The Other Side Of The Coin

My Final New Year in the USA

2012-01-28T21:07:00.000-08:00

It has been too long since I've written a post and since then, a lot has happened...

Finals for Fall 2011 passed by and Alhamdulillah, I did well. Far better than I expected.

Then it was time for my winter break.

And this time...guess where we headed?

Rock City-Orlando-Bahamas-Miami-New Orleans-Memphis-St Louis

Yup, that's right. The twelve of us took 2 vans and drove from Madison all the way, all through those places.

And it was wonderful, Alhamdulillah. I've never felt so blessed. Of course, my life is blessed in so many ways and this is just one of them.

It was an awesome adventure. I went with a good group of people. And amazingly, nothing went wrong this time. The chemistry between all of us was really good and everything went as planned except...

When we were driving through Alabama, we were pulled over.By cops, of course.

When they opened the door, the officer said asked one of my friends, "What school do you go to?"

"SUNNY at Buffalo, NY".

"I've never heard of that university before. Where is that?"

At that moment I was like, "Stupid cop." Of course, that was only in my head.

Then, we were harassed with so many questions....

"What country are you from?"

"What's the capital?"

"What's the national bird?"

"We don't have a national bird, we have a national flower", I answered, trying hard to hide my agitation.

One my friends who was the co-driver had just woken up and so he was naturally groggy.

The other office said, "What's wrong? You can't speak?"

They continued on with their questions etc. They didn't give us a ticket (Thank God!) but by the end of the interrogation, he tried to butter the situation by shaking our hands and ending the 'conversation' with a smile.

What an a**

When I told this to my employer, she said "Aaah, I was worried when you mentioned that you passed by the South. It's a different world down there".

Oh yeah it freakin is.

She apologized for their behavior. Everyone's (my American friends and co-workers) faced changed when I told them about that experience. When I told my sisters, they laughed.

Why was their such a different response?

Probably because Muslims expect that that would happen. I mean so far, I have not received such racist remarks. But then again I knew that this was bound to happen. I think my American friends were probably very ashamed of their behavior and thus, their angered expression. When I told my Muslim friends they say, "Well at least you didn't get a ticket."

The different privilege that people have influence their way of adapting situations like that.

After reading how cartoonists can draw discriminating and disrespectful things of the Prophet SAW and how they can justify that burning the Quran is freedom of speech, getting pulled over by cops and being harassed to me, seems to be the least troubling thing.

Funny how the world works.

Well, aside from that HAHAHAHHAHAHA i had an awesome time.

HERE ARE THE PICTURES FOR YOU TO SEEEE:

(Georgia--credits to Aiman)

(In front of Hogwarts)

(Always wanted to be a princess_credits to Aiman)

(Miami_credits to Adam)

(New Orleans_credits to Adam)

(Graceland, Elvis)

(Cigar Shop in Miami)

What Would Fanon Say...

2011-12-13T16:22:00.000-08:00

Currently, I'm taking HIST 279 which is basically History of Pan-African Slavery.

At first I kind of dreaded the class because there was so much readings that the Prof assigned. But as time passed, as he explained the major themes, I began to like the subject. I began to like it especialy because I see the reverberations of slavery and colonialism in the world today...and even when applied to Malaysian context.

A few months ago, we had to read an article by Fannon.

Fanon was born during the years of slavery. I can't remember whether he was a slave, but he grew up in that community. He was talking about how ex-slaves wanted to be like theh French really bad and they did it by trying to speak French. Many of them believed that by speaking French, you have more advancement in the society of Martinique. Some ex-slaves who were trying to master the language had an attitude change, or maybe even change of mentality. They thought and somehow felt that they were better than their peers because they acquired this langauge of power. Many of them worked abroad for the French, and unfortunately, they were not able to work the positions that they hoped for. Despite their attempt in speaking French, they were still discriminated againts because they were black and thus they were seen as inferior.

So these ex-slaves, when they returned home, they somehow felt displaced within their own society. Why? Because they already had a different mentality compared to their people in their hometown, and so they couldn't really mix well. Yeah, maybe their people were jealous of the fact that they had opportunities but Fanon was saying that their dislocation caused them to have an identity crisis. And these where the long-lasting psychological effects of colonialism...

When I was reading this all I was thinking about was Malaysia.

I was thinking about the whole debate about teaching Science and Math in English.

I love English and I'm not anti-Western or anything like that. Initially I thought wth would the government wanna abolish that policy and return kids to learn those two subjects in Malay? I thought learning that in English would improve their understanding of English as a whole....

But then my sime of my friends had told me that they had family members in rural schools and they did not understand simple English to begin with. In many cases, teachers themselves were not equipped enough in teaching Math and Science in English so when you don't understand the medium of instruction, how could you understand more complicated matters? I was told that some teachers just gave the answers to students and so actually the students didnt really learn anything.

That was one aspect of the debate.

The other aspect is that according to many scholars, replacing the Malay language with English is undermining its status as the national language. Ar first I thought nah, I don't think so...but when people say stuff like our country can't move forward because we still use Malay as a medium instruction is in itself, backwards. To me, it's like your saying that the only way for a country to be advance is if the country uses English in certain areas? Hmmm, I don't really think so. When I heard this I was thinking of France and Japan. Those are two countries that are very advance but yet they still use their own language. In fact, they are very proud of their cultural identity.

So in my head I was thinking, why can't we be like them?

Learning and mastering different languages isn't bad, but thinking we can't be advance because we use our language as the medium of instruction is to me, backwards.

Without realizing it I think many of us are still colonized--mentally.

My Moment with Mat Kearney

2011-11-24T07:13:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, I had the privilege of seeing Mat Kearney perform.

When I ask my friends whether they've heard of him, most say that they don't know him. But most of my American friends do. When i heard that he was going to perform in Madison, I was so excited. I started playing his songs back to back until my roommate becomes familiar with his songs.

His songs are very motivational. His lyrics has substance. When I'm sad or when I'm down, whenever I listen to his songs I feel like he's talking to me. It's like we're in the same boat.

You probably think I'm crazy and lame but sometimes life can be pretty challenging and at times, pretty lonely.

Sometimes you try really hard at something, and you wish so bad that you'd get it. You keep on trying and trying but sometimes trying hard seems pointless and you feel like giving up.

Of course, I tell myself that insyaAllah with good intentions, one day I will be rewarded. But just sometimes when you see how people who don't try hard often do so much better, they get what they want etc.

His songs somehow reflect that he's gone through all that too.

"If you find yourself lost out in this world, then i will find a way back to your side. No mountain is too high, no stone is too small I build a bridge through the fire, for you i would crawl from New York to California..."

From his song "From NY to California".

Okay, so by now you know I love him for his songs, and his music.

So last weekend my friend and I went to Overture Center and I was front row. It was nice because I was surrounded by girls so I felt safe and I didn't feel like I had to restrain myself.

Sometimes I felt like he was looking straight at me. LIKE REALLY STRAIGHT AT ME. I actually chose a bright colored hijab, hoping he'd notice me in the crowd. But then again I thought maybe I was just crazy.

As we were enjoying his performance, there was a group of 5-6 30 year-old women who just came in front of us and were making a racket, being all rowdy and stuff. They were rude, making so much noise when Mat was performing and talking. It was obvious that everyone didn't like them and how they were behaving. Some of them tried to go on stage 3 times. One of his staff had to tell them to get off the stage twice. And after that Mat KEarney had to tell her "Sorry, but you're gonna have to get off stage...".

All I can say is, "IN YOUR FACE!"

So after they left, I was just enjoying the music.

I think Mat was distracted by them, he probably didn't know how to deal with them because they were obviously his fans but they were being a nuisance.

After the concert was over, Liyana and I did our usual thing-- we waited for him at the back door.

HAHA.

After waiting in the cold, he finally came out.

"Hi, I'm Mat," he said.

"Sofiya", I blushed.

"You were in front where you?"

MOMENT OF MY LIFEEEEEEEEE. THERE YOU GO. I WAS NOTICED BY MAT KEARNEY.

Of course, how couldn't he? I was the only girl wearing a head scarf in the whole concert.

I was just so happy <3

Of course after that I felt like I had to say something to him so i said....

"You should come to Malaysia!"

At that moment I was like oh what a stupid thing to say....

"I would love to," he said.

I felt like running away. So stupid haha.

Oh well, it was a good concert :)

I love you Mat KEarney!

Oh moral of the story: when you wanna meet an artist, think ahead of what you wanna say.

AND IM GONNA UPLOAD THE PIC OF US TOGETHER <3

A Small Space

2011-11-16T13:03:00.000-08:00

In between classes, I often need to find an appropriate place to pray.

When I say a place I don't mean a surau or a masjid, but a corner of an empty class or a place in between bookshelves.

A small clean place for us to pray--for only around 10 minutes.

Sometimes your heart beats fast because of the surrounding that you're in while your praying, God knows whether or not my prayers are accapted. I hope so.

But today when I prayed Zuhur at the third floor of the Red Gym, I felt a certain calmness that you can't really describe.

Being a good Muslim can be difficult at times regardless of where you are. But practising Islam in a country where the majority aren't Muslims has certainly opened my eyes. It has made me think and appreciate things which I have taken granted before.

It's funny how this small space can make some people content and happy.

Malaysia, where are we heading?

2011-11-11T14:53:00.000-08:00

okay okay.

i know lately, i have been writing a lot about the enviornment and yadda yadda yadda. i know most people would laugh if they heard that i might wanna be an environmentalist because they can't imagine me without my dresses and being a serious person protecting the enviornment.

i think the issue is that most people think that environmentalists only protect the enviornment. when you hear 'enviornmentalist' you might imagine tree-hugging people.

but actually protecting the environment is more than just protecting the ecosystem.

we depend on these resources and how we value and manage them will determine how long we can use them. so if we don't manage this well, then we'll be in a lot of trouble.

coming from a developing country, trust me, i believe that we should thrive in this world and gain economic profit but at the same time i do believe that we should try to sustain what we have. people from certain countries believe that GDP is the real measurement of development but i think that's BS. the GDP doesn't really measure things like happiness. if we really hang on to that yardstick, then we'll be obsessed with making money, wanting to be "developed" like indsutrialized countries. their definition of "development" is different from what ours should be. i think most don't emphasize on spiritual growth and therefore in the race to increase wealth, we often lose our spirituality.

is there a model where we can grow economically and at the same time, sustain our environment? and of course, make sure that we also grow spiritually?

it seems like a lot to do.

trust me, I'm all for development but at the same time i care for the environment and the long term use that it provides.

so many questions, so many issues.

No Worries

2011-11-08T23:51:00.001-08:00

‎"Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee."-Umar [ibn al-Khattab] (R.A.)

2011-11-08T11:01:00.001-08:00

all i feel like doing is to go home and not care about anything else. PLEASE?

Meet Chancellor Ward

2011-11-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

I had just came back from Chancellor Ward's house. My departments gets invited every once in awhile and I think this is a good way to create some sort of relationship between students and the big people. It doesn't make us feel like we're in an institution, it's more than that. Students were happy when they met the Chancellor and his peers.

It was an interesting night for me.

I wonder we have something similar like this in Malaysia.

Black and White

2011-10-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

nothing is really black and white.

things would be easier sometimes right? if there's a line that draws between right and wrong.

but let's face it, life is far more complex than that.

yesterday my friends and i were hanging out in the kitchen and we were suddenly talking about general stuff and then suddenly someone brought up this speaker on campus who seems "liberal" pertaining to her views on Islam.

one of my friends said "She's Islamic eh? I didn't know that, i thought she was liberal".

in my opinion, that lady may be more liberal compared to what Malaysians are used to but i got thrown off when some people didn't think she was islamic or even had islamic concerns.

i guess we still have a framework where we attach religiosity and appearance. yes, appearance does in some extent reflect who we are as individuals but i think we forget that Allah is the one and only who can truly judge the heart. we forget that sincerity and or niat is important in determining whether our actions are accepted.

we forget that there are many views pertaining certain issues. i'm not saying that there are many truths or many versions of Islam but if they do things based on valid reasonings that do not clash with Islamic teachings, then we shouldn't really say that he or she is unislamic or whatever.

i thnk we should be more open minded and listen to different perspectives and chose what is right. i don't think we should curb certain speakers from speakers just because we, as Malaysians think that he or she is liberal.

if we keep on doing that, then we will never be able to think for ourselves.

i know that many people have difficulty in explaining about our faiths because we often do as we were taught, and never really contemplating WHY we are doing it. and when a non-Muslim questions us, we often just keep quiet because we are shocked by what we hear and most importantly, we do not know how to defend ourselves.

im not saying that liberalism is all that good, but we shouldn't think that there is only one perspective out there. we shouldn't attach religiosity and appearance because often times is misleading.

im not trying to preach. I'm not in the position to preach. but i don't think we should really think of other people in that way either because without realizing it, we are marginalizing them.

and is that what we really want?

Sex slaves - Slavery: A 21st Century Evil - Al Jazeera English

2011-10-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

Sex slaves - Slavery: A 21st Century Evil - Al Jazeera English

Please watch this :'(

Really, What Do I Want to Be?

2011-10-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

at this stage, i still don't know what i wanna be, the path i wanna take.

it looks like all my friends have figured things out. and as usual, i'm lost.

when i was young i wanted to be a policeman, then a fireman then...a singer.

apart of me wants to design clothes for muslim girls.

a whole part of me just wants to be a wife, and a mom.

but then as time passes by, the more time i spend doing readings for my 'environmental conservation' class, somehow i feel that malaysian environment needs to be protected.

and i'm not just talking about animal rights etc, going green etc.

of course that's important. but people often think that when we talk about the environment, humans aren't included.

but we very much are.

malaysia is a thriving developing country and iA we will continue to develop for the better.

however if we don't think about the important things such as the well being of our people and would rather gain economic gain, then in the long run, who will benefit?

somehow i think malaysians are generally not that environmental friendly.

am i wrong?

am i being too judgmental?

im not sure.

i just don't wanna malaysia to be one of those countries where the leaders are so keen on gaining economic gain that in reality, the people are suffering from different aspects such as health etc.

taking this course has opened my eyes.

i know many people think that malaysia might have other bigger problems but let's not forget that problems can arise from other aspects as well.

satisfaction

2011-10-09T12:33:00.001-07:00

a few days ago, i called my dad through Skype and we were just catching up.

he was updating about his latest book that he has been working on and i was telling him about the courses that i am currently taking and why i love it so much.

despite taking 15 credits (in addition to 3rd semester arabic) and working 10 hours a week, i think i'm pretty much satisfied. Alhamdulillah, i am happy because for the first time in my life i actually feel like i'm independent. i know my dad can afford to give me money if i really needed it. in fact, he has told me to ask if i needed any but the the thing is, i was never really good at asking money from my parents especially because the US exchange rate is higher. ever since young. i was reluctant to ask but finally, i am making my own money so i don't have to depend on my parents all the time (financially that is).

i feel satisfied working, making my own money. it's not like i use to buy loads of stuff, i just like the idea that i have extra money whenever i need it. i'm still a frugal lil girl because i was never used to buying expensive stuff. i use most of my money to travel and nowadays, i think i don't think that much when I'm hungry huhuh.

more importantly, i am glad i found a part time job that suits me well. being an information guide makes me feel good because i'm able to assist people whenever they need help. as a parent program intern, I'm able to use my unique background as an international student to help parents of international students with quieries regarding school.

life is good, alhamdulilla :)

Parent Program Intern

2011-09-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

i love interning for Parent Program!

it feels good to be able to help people--international families to find their way in settling down/get through with school.

i've always wondered whether people can love what they're doing and now i finally do. honestly, i don't feel like i'm working. it just feels greaaaat.

i'm pretty bummed because i started working here only recently. i only have 2 semesters left...

shahir said i might be a workaholic like him and i think it might be true hehehehe.

when i leave wisconsin this is one of the many things that i'll truly miss :(

but still, i am so thankful that i am experiencing all of these great things <3

Shopping Smart

2011-09-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

by now i know you know i love fashion...

I've loved fashion ever since..whenever. but unfortunately, i don't have that much money. or wait, i just don't feel good about buying expensive things because i wanna save my money for something more like travel, a car HAHAHAHHAHA sigh only one day...

so, in the summer i decided to trade in my clothes that i can fit anymore/ the ones that I'm bored of to this vintage thrift store here on State Street called RETHREADS. i sold the hijabs that i know i will never wear again, my jeans that i can no longer fit and well, other things. and Alhamdulillah, i was able to get $50+ worth of coupon. I could get cash back but then I would get less in value. Might as well use the coupon to buy clothes there right hehehehe.

So recently I used up around $20 worth of coupon to buy these 3 amazing things....

my fall coat :)

working coat in the future :)

long tutup aurat baju :)

all of this under $20. hehehehehehee

oh yeah don't mind the creases because i just dumped everything in the bag hahaa.

Never Alone

2011-09-03T22:01:00.001-07:00

sometimes trying to be adventerous comes with a price.

not everyone shares the same passion.

and because of that, you need to go on the adventure alone.

at times it can be a pretty lonely journey, because most of the time, you're wandering by yourself, wishing you could share the awesome experience with someone else.

but i guess we need to remind ourselves that we are not alone in spirit.

we need to remind ourselves that at times of loneliness, it allows you to reflect upon yourself and life in general.

today i went to 'Taste of MAdison' and it was a really awesome. it's basically a weekend where restaurant owners sell smaller portions of their intended menu, at a cheaper price. so this time, the food sold was not more then $4.

as i was walking, i noticed how there were so many families. kids, babies, parents, and also the elderly.

when i look at the elderly holding hands, sitting on the ground with their spouses, i wonder how i'll turn out to be.

i know, i know. i havent even figured out grad school and i'm already thinking of old age.

that's just me hehehee.

Alhamdulillah i was able to spend my Eid with yan in Michigan. i was happy that i was able to see where she studied and most importantly, i was happy i could spend 5 days with her.

Ann Arbor is a nice place. it's very similar to MAdison except i think it's slightly bigger. the buildings are older so it has a lot of 'harry potter-look' to it.

but of course, nothing beats madison hehehehe. we have a lake close by campus <3

i don't think i achieved a lot in Ramadhan. yes, i've made some goals but i dont really feel satisfied. well, i hope to improve on myself through out the year, insyaAllah.

i hope i get to figure out my future soon. im so clueless. as usual. sigh

UNDECIDED

2011-08-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks i thought i was gonna take GRE and try to apply for grad school. i know...wth right? so random etc etc i totally made a mistake not thinking this through.

i just came back from my appointement with my advisor and i think my path of post-undergraduation totally took a 180 degree turn.

i see her like 2x a semester to guide me with my major and she has been such an amazing advisor.

when i mentioned that i wanted to do grad school, that surprised her because i guess i never mentioned this to her. i mean, to be honest i didnt plan to apply to grad school right after my undergrad. i didn't realize that time passed by so fast HAHA.

typical me. so blur. so dumb. sigh

anyway, when she heard that i wanted to apply to grad school, she asked me whether i knew i wanted to do and i said im not sure.

"you're not sure?" she frowned.

"uh-huh", i said.

"don't apply to grad school."

plain and simple.

she explained that grad school is totally different than undergrad. it doesn't open up doors, it closes doors. those were her exact words. she explained that if i didnt know what to do yet i should therefore consider waiting.

and i guess im not ready.

as usual.

she suggested that i could study for my GRE and take it in june next year. she also gave me tips or steps on things that i should be doing this year.

so this is how my academic year is going to look like:

1. GRE
2. Recommendation letters: i need 5. so i need to kiss my professors' a**es real well. the thing is, im not close to my professors. im only close to my arabic TAs since they are the ones teaching me, and maybe Dustin Cowell, who is the head of Arabic program. the other professor that I am close to is...no longer in this school-GREATTTTT.
3. Gotta keep good records of my papers. sigh.
4. Do independent study if possible.

Hmmm. i dont think my senior year is gonna look so erm...relaxed next year. AMAZING.

oh well, i guess i should be happy that i found out late than never.

She also suggested that I take a few years, (1 or 2) to explore what i wanna do. maybe i don;t need grad school after all. maybe i'll know what it is i really want by then.

my mom said that grad school is easier than undergrad. my advisor told me that it's actually the total opposite.

reallyyy???

jeez FREAKIN louiseeee

looks like i need to do a lot of research now....

good luck to me.

Peeling Off The Skin

2011-08-13T20:21:00.001-07:00

i'm the kind of person who doesn't really like to hide who i am.

i try to let people know who i really am.

i'm a shy person at first, but as time passes by, i'm actually a little mental.

i want people to know who i am inside out-- despite where i may be.

it has been 2 years studying in the States now, and soon it will be three years.

i dont't have that many American friends, just because i guess i don't go to parties etc. but i do have American Muslim friends and i am thankful that i have met them.

being surrounded by people who are different, ethnicly and religiously can be a challenge. i guess it's the same anywhere-- whether i'd be at home in Malaysia or here.

but it's important to show them who you are, where you come from. slowly. it's a learning process-- for both parties.

my colleagues know that i am fasting. when we are behind the desk, some of them have asked me questions like what is the signifiace of fasting etc. i happily explain to them everything that i know, i everything i believe in.

some of them are really fascinated by it. i can also see that some of them can't really comprehend what i'm going through. well, i don't blame them. at least they respect my way of life and they understand that that is the main reason why i'm different.

there have been a few times where i had to excuse myself to pray. my supervisors have been very undertsanding. some probably don't know that Muslims need to pray 5 times a day, some probably were surprised that i randomly asked for a break to pray.i did have a supervisor who asked when do i pray 5 times a day and stuff, out of curiosity. and i enjoyed explaining that to him.

i guess in certain parts of the world religion isn't something they have faith in, that strongly...at least during this period of their lives.

but i'm fine with all that.

i want them to know what Islam is about--and how Muslims live.

maybe they haven't met a Muslim yet...or maybe they haven't met a practising Muslim.

they will know, insyaAllah.

at least, i hope they will...

...in time.

From a Simple Question...

2011-08-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

ok .

so remember how i thought that i'd never get a job here while studying, let alone getting this job as an information guide?

and of course going for an internship was totally not on my 'to-do list'. i wondered why my friends even tried getting an internship. i was always like 'ugh. gross. not for me. i'm just too lazy'.

i didn't even bother to apply to be a supervisor lately. that just didn't interest me.

but there was one particular field that sparked my interest.

there was one day where one of my upper colleagues approached me and asked whether i wanted to participate in a focus group of international students. she works with the parent program under visitor information programs (VIP) which is the division that i'm working for. so, in the focus group, they basically asked a number of questions about our concerns regarding student life which encompassed housing, tuition, safety, education etc. to me, it was fun.

it was fun because i remembered when i was so lost.

after having that discussion, i felt good. i felt that the discussion that we had was going somewhere. i also felt like i could help more.

so one day, i approached her. then i asked her whether they were going to hire another intern.

she said not til next year.

then i said i won't be here by then.

so she agreed that she'd talk to the higher people and that she'd get back to me on that.

amazingly, yesterday i got an email from her asking me to see her in her office.

as though i was on crack, my fingers started typing and i probably sounded like a maniac via e-mail.

so after a few minutes i went up to see her.

and she gave me the good news.

she told me that i'd be working as an intern in addition to an information guide.

and then not long after that, we were chatting for like ermmm...what seemed to be like 15 minutes that eventually actually turned to an hour.

as you can see, im so happy. thrilled. i cant even express my excitement.

from a simple question, there was a big fat opportunity. how awesome is that? i guess i didnt hurt my chances when i asked.

it doesn't hurt to ask ;)

let's not forget, im blessed too. Alhamdulillah. I have such a blessed life.

i never thought i'd do this well.

of course, i need to remind myself that this is because of Allah SWT and that this is just temporary.

in return, i need to do something for the society.

i really wanna contribute in my own way when i get back home. but i dont know how yet.

it's gonne be the bebmentoot way hahahahha.

A Conversation With a Stranger

2011-08-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

while i was sitting at the desk at union south, a guy with curly hair with glasses approached me.

"how can i help you?" i smiled.

"can you help me find where this place is?" he asked, while showing a piece of paper.

as i was looking it up on google map, he asked me another question.

"you're from....?"

"malaysia," i said.

"really? what made you come here?" he asked.

" oh i just like how it's a beautiful and safe place. plus, this school has an amaizng arabic program...and it has a lot of diversity," i replied.

"really?" he asked in partial amazement.

okay, so i dont really know how other universities are like, but according to what people say, this school has a lot of international students. well, you'll see mostly whites but there are a good amount of international students. plus, the fact that the school has so many diverse departments like south east asia departments, scandanavia dpts, i think kinda shows that they really want diversity to be implemented among the students in various ways.

"yeah, you just need to look in certain areas. if you join clubs liKE BRIDGE, you can be apart of the international community easily. you basically become an american host to international students", i added. by this point, he was writing all of this down.

"are you s prospective student?" i asked.

"yup, im a senior in highschool".

what the hell? he didnt look like it. he looked as old as me. 23 okay wth he's like 16 or 17? sheesh im tellin ya, kids here look like grown ups.

"well, i totally encourage you to apply to this school, you won't regret it".

"oh yeah, i totally will. i'm looking for diversity. i'm from northern minnesota, i go to a school where are there are mostly white arrogant narrow minded people. they say that college is the time that broadens your horizons and i need a different kind of school."

i laughed when he said that.

"well, i hope to see you when you get admitted (hopefully). if i'm still here, by then. hehe", i said.

"yeah i hope i see you too! i'm definitely gonna apply here!"

*********************

this is why i love my job so much. representing the university is just amazing although at time it can be stressful when we get difficult contacts. but having this conversation with this guy made my day. he wanted to be in a diverse environment and i really like that.

sometimes you can sense those who don't give a @#$ about you, eventhough you're trying to be friendly, trying to strike a conversation.

you need to know how to bring yourself about, who to approach and when not to care. making friends here is i guess, slightly different. sometimes you dont watch the same shows, and more fundamentally, you often have different values.

but it's okay.

being different is what makes you interesting, uniqe.

focus on the nice people around you, though it may not be a million people. i need to remind myself that totally fitting in isn't the most important part because i think that is just something difficult to achieve. for me, that is. because i am the way i am. im weird HAHHAHAA.

speaking of nice people, today i met one of my colleagues that previously interviewed me when i applied for this job. she is the sweetest girl (i swear!). she left for spain for a semester and now she's back. today she visited us and told us about her experience there. in just 10 minutes, i fell in love with her.

"i loved studying there, living in a totally different culture...i know what it's like to be..."

"different?" i finished her sentence for her.

"yeah," she smiled.

okay, but this may sound creepy but i think i really like this girl.

can't wait to work with her. i hope she becomes my supervisor hehehe.

Post-New York

2011-07-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

it has been like FOREVER since i went on a holiday.

being in a foreign land, being a foreigner, can be pretty difficult. most of the time, things are awesome and i am greatful for that, Alhamdulillah. but when you don't have your family members around you, you'd do anything to create your own.

my holiday was phenomenal.

i loved it.

it really feels good when you're able to go on vacation with your closest friends.

i felt really rejuvinated after the trip. i was ready to get back on board.

but at the same time, i was sad that i had to leave.

i feel really blessed for everything that God has given me.

it was super hotttt in NYC. i went during the heat wave and yeah, that made us really tired. we left the house like early morning and came back around 6pm because we couldn't take it anymore. the heat was killing us and it was killing my mood.

i enjoyed the sightseeing, eating (of course).

it was diifficult to find a spot to pray in NYC because NYC was dirty and it smelled hancing alomst everywhere. we found spots like at parks like the Central Park to pray. it did feel uncomfortable because people who pass by can see what we're doing, but they dont understand what we're doing. but we had to do what we had to do...

going on vacation with friends has definitely taught me something.

your true colors will show.

it was obvious that the only thing i did was plan certain things like: where we are gonna pray, should we bring food, etc etc...bring water yadda2.

i was useless in reading maps, finding out how to go about. i depended on my friends. entirely.

geez, i can be so useless sometimes HAHA.

but nvm. i think when i really need to survive i guess i will, right? no?

whatever.

i was really happy <3

Bitter Sweet

2011-07-14T06:15:00.000-07:00

last weekend i went camping in northern wisconsin. at apostle islands.

i know, i know. ME ON A FREAKIN CAMPING TRIP?

well, i have always wanted to try different things. my family has never been on a camping trip.we're not that adventerous. we rarely go out etc but we're happy as a family so i don't really complain.

but then when i get married i hope all of us (husband+bro in laws+kids+etc) go on family trips esp camping. i think that would be fun.

it was a one night trip. a short one. but it took awhile to get there. 6 hours drive. then we had to take a boat ride to the island.

the scenary was beautiful. it wasnt too hot or anything. it was raining a little, kinda cold too.

we made a fire and made smores. it was just like in tho movies hehehehe.

there were restrooms but there weren't any place to bathe so we bathed in the lake. it wasnt a small lake, it was a big arse lake. kinda like an ocean. it's called lake superior one of the biggest great lakes.

we took turns making breakfast and dinner.

we also went hiking!

on the last day, we went kayaking. and we saw sea caves! it was beautiful. i was worried because somehow i thought we were gonna capsize. but Alhamdulillah, we were all fine.

i was happy but kinda sad that some of my seniors will be leaving very soon. they're a great bunch. they make really good company. there were many things i learned from them, though to them they may see themselves as not-the-best example, but then again in todays world, who is? you take the good and leave the bad. their small contributions has made a different in huge ways. from giving advice, to showing good silent examples.

you dont need to help a person every single day.

sometimes even the smallest help make a difference.

yes, silent examples. if that even makes any sense.

i really appreciate your company and most importantly, your help :)

A Shining Star

2011-07-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

this post is for my roommate, norihan omar.

i know i didnt write a card for your bday and maybe i havent been such a good roommate like how you are good to me.

i wanted to write this post for your bday.

but then i got distracted.

you may think people don't take you seriously, but i think you;re wrong.

people see you as a source of laughter.

i think you're the only person who can make a black and white picture colorful.

you give warmth to people.

people want you around because they like you making jokes, adding warmth and color to the environment.

you like to help people, you make everyone happy.

you always offer me help even if i dont ask you to.

like you sometimes fold my clothes when im busy and i come back late almost all the time last semester.

i remember when you made me bubur when i was sick.

and when you sapu minyak angin on my gross tummy and urut my kaki when i felt like i wanted to vomit.

thanks for keeping up with my crazy-ness. when i cry everytime i get stressed when i need to finish up my papers. or whenever i fight with you-know-who.

you;re such a good human being i wish i could be more like you.

you're very optimistic and you're not afraid to carve your own path now.

and im sorry if i havent been such a good friend to you like how good you are to me.

thank you for adding color to my life, noyan :)

"Are You Planning on Being a Terrorist?"

2011-07-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

while i was working today, i received a chat on the chat system we use at work.

her first questions were mainly about the school. so yeah, i had to answer them.

she asked whether im a student and then i started to tell her about myself, where im from, what im studying.

then she asked.

"are you planning on being a terrorist?"

i was surprised, but i wasnt offended.

instead, i laughed.

why did i laugh?

then i told my workmate what she had said and he said that i dont need to answer her and just let her down nicely.

but then i said, 'No. many americans learn the same things that i do."

why wasnt i offended?

am i immune to the fact that people associate middle east/international students with terrorism?

is that a bad thing? the fact that im so...immune?

i don't know.

but she was a high school kid. not a very smart one, but still. i know that a lot of kids are ignorant and today the theory is actually proven.

but why am i not offended?

i'm puzzled.

Why We Need to Go Home

2011-07-04T19:11:00.000-07:00

these past few days i have months i have been thinking.

i know many malaysians are unhappy with what is happening in malaysia-- politically, especially.

our country may not be perfect, but we need to realize that it is normal for countries to go through development.

i wouldn't know what the solution is.

but i do know that condeming Malaysia and putting another supposedly democratic country on a pedastal won't solve anything. no matter how imperfect our lives may be in Malaysia, at least we don't trump other nations.

we need to focus on the bigger picture.

i dont't agree on running away from problems. i don't think working overseas would do much to help the situation back home.

yes, there are many changes that need to be done.

we need to go home to make a difference. though it may be slow.

if we run away to other countries then where will Malaysia be in the future?

we need to think rationally.

equality has a deeper definition than just dividing something into equal proportions.

it's about giving things to those who need it most.

we often watch movies and think that our country should follow a certain template of state government. but remember, if something changes too quickly, bad things can happen.

let's try not to be too selfish, and be a little more giving.

and make our home a better place.

Naseeb

2011-06-09T22:27:00.000-07:00

I learned that you really need to give your all when you want something to work out.

Today I went out with my friends Aya and Meghan. We were talking about our lives as Muslims. Eventhough we are culturally different, Meghan is American and Aya is Egyptian by the way, we share the same values. It's amazing how we experience the same things in life. It's nice to see that we have the same dreams. It's nice to know that my values that my parents have taught me, the values that many people think of as backward are also someone else's.

I was never alone.

Being friends with different people broadens my horizons. These girls are good Muslims, alhamdulillah. They make me reflect on my own actions and motivate me to change to be a better person.

Of course, my housemates have contributed a lot in this process as well. I am very blessed to have such good housemates.

I might be running away from my topic.

Along the lines of trying to achieve something, we also need to have faith that our destiny is in God's hands. we can try and yes, we should, but at times we forget that our naseeb is determined by God and we can only be patient and wait to see what the outcome is. i know that as humans, we tend to worry, especially me. we tend to worry about the future. i know having faith that all will be well is difficult, but i guess that's when having faith is important. it gives you ease in the present situation so that you aren't overly worried about thing that you cannot see.

Burung Yang Akan Pulang Ke Sarang

2011-06-05T19:41:00.000-07:00

Post Midwest Games

2011-06-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

the three day event that my committee members and i have been planning for is finally over.

for good.

this midwest games is like a 3 day sports day where all malaysians in the freakin US and Canada are invited to come and participate.

the preparation took one whole semester. to me, it seemed as though it took my whole life away.

okay, maybe im exaggerating a little.

but the stress that we experienced could amount to a stress that a person would experience in his lifetime hahahhahahaha. okay, another exageration.

but yes, it was very stressful.

there were so many last minute cancellations here and there, cancellations that were beyond our control. cancellations that would have and did, cause the event to be a little disappointing (to some).

apart from the last minute changes, suddenly there were 1000 pariticipants who signed up. we expected only 700, the most. 2-3 days before the registration dealine, suddenly the number of participants doubled. the overwhelming response caused a few major porblems. the first one was that we wouldnt have a hall to do the closing ceremony, and the second thing is that our caterers didn't have the man power to cook and tend to that big amount of people.

that was just the few stressful highlights of the events.

i was head of documentation, so i had to go around, taking pictures of every sport. but thank God, i received help from other students from other universities who were eager to become volunteers. i depended mostly on them because i couldnt be at 2 places at once. my campus is just too huge and to go from one point to another within the hour or so was juts taxing for me, or anyone at all.

did i mention i was also sick that week?

yeah.i was coughing so badly until there was a point that i had to just stop, run to the bathroom and put my face near teh toilet just in case i was gonna vomit. there was a point i coughed up phlegm as big as a quarter with a bit of blood in it (disgusting, i know).

i was very tired and stressed during the second day that when i went back home, i couldnt sleep but instead i had to cry to my very bestfriend. i would have died without him.

i think my friends and i did the best in our ablity, based on the fact that we initially didnt have much money to begin with. we were financially poor, and so at first we could only get such a menu for the closing night. when we actually received moeny from the government, we couldnt change anything. so basically the menu was rather disappointing and people were hungry.

and you know what that means.

tehy were very unhappy.

some of them posted harsh remarks on our facebook page.

to my surprise, some students backed us up. syaing that they know we probably didnt have the means to do such an extravagant event.

some of them event explained how tough and stressful the planning was that their friends who were committee members were running around here and there, so stressed out, that they even forgot to smile.

i don't know how other people like sonia, zainal, liyana, raj and shanaz were able to handle their part. they were in charge of sports and events. no matter how crappy the food might have been or how harsh the feedback is, i think they did a good job-- under the circumstances that we were in.

would i do this again?

no.

did i regret being in it?

im not sure.

i dont like to regret being doing something.im sure there is a hikmah behind what we did. it was a good experience. i learned that in order to have a good team, you shouldnt have smart people, but you should have sincere and passionate people. people who actually want to do the work.

i've learned to be more empathetic towards everything.

i've learned that next time, i should take a rest since my body and my mind and soul is not able to handle such a task in short amount of time.

i enjoyed meeting my friends, making new ones. i enoyed the bond that was created among some of the commitee members.

my grades were not affected but my health was. these past few weeks i've been all of over the place and so i have not been ontop of my game. because of that, i've been messing up with my work. i havent been performing well and so my supervisors called me up to see me in order to see what was going on.

i was terrified, thinking i'd lose my job and thinking that they would not be able to rely and trust me anymore.

but instead, they asked me how things were. they told me to communicate more with them, if i cant handle certain things.

i was grateful. grateful that i was given a second chance. this is my first job ever and so i guess i'm bound to make mistakes.

well, i hope i won't make any of these mistakes anymore.

by the way, check out the pics that i took:

http://mwgi2011.com/eventsphotos.html

i have to say, my picture taking skills aint bad at all ;)

Malaysian and Madison Girl at Heart

2011-05-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

(hanging out by the lake)

i love studying here, in Madison.

i never feel like i'm studying whenever i have to do my readings. maybe because they're really interesting. enlightening. or maybe it's because i'm a nerd.

it could be both.

but whatever, i don't care.

(soup and Kabul Restaurant)

i love every single thing about this place.

i like the fact that madioson isn't a big arse city like the NYC.

i like how everything is so...within reach.

i like how the chancellor allows and more importantly, encourages political participation. despite their political stand.

i think that is really important. when you have both sides actively moving political discourse, it not only stimulates thinking, but it leads to change. abrupt change may not be good but if there's more than just one side talking, then you you're constantly thinking of ways to make things better.

(stuffed artichoke)

i'm probably not making any sense, as usual.

did i tell you how much i love my teachers here?

i really feel like they really know what they're talking about. their stands on certain things may not be right, but that's up to the student. whether or not they want to accept what their teacher is saying. i don't mind hearing other peoples' ideas. i think it's important in molding my own framework.

(lamb couscous)

i know for a fact that they really take teaching seriously. most of my teachers really want their students to learn. to gain knowledge. and go through so much just to make sure we understand what we're learning. i love them. really, i do. they really inspire me to become good educators in the future. (apart from getting inspiration from my own parents, of course!)

take the good and leave the bad.

ambil yang jernih, buang yang keruh.

hehehehhe.

of course, i don't feel like i could assimilate into the mainstream american culture. i feel uncomfortable going to parties because i don't like big crowds (i feel like i cant breathe and im afraid people are gonna step on me). obviously, i dont drink. i have a number of friends who take me out to places and we have a good time. of course, american life isnt just about parties. i think i'm able to connect with many of my colleagues but because i don't really hang out with them, i don't have that extra bond. my collagues are very nice people and i do love them. it's just that i wish they could see the fun crazy side of me that my close friends are able to see. usually, it takes a long time for me to warm up to people. i'm usually shy, and reserved. so yeah, there are plenty of reasons why i don't think i will fully assimilate.

(wen li <3)

but can a person really do that?

fully assimilate in a different culture? we share many of the same values but the differences are there. and sometimes it is the differences that make the difference.

i'm a malaysian + muslim girl at heart.

i hope as time passes, my colleagues and i will have a stronger bond.

i hope we'll learn from each other. from different cultures.

Realize

2011-05-21T15:22:00.001-07:00

these past few weeks have been very very tiring for me.

now, wait...this whole semester has been killing me. but Alhamdulillah, i'm glad that everything is over. midwest games is around the corner and i'm just happy that that is gonna end. soon.

i know i have been whining and stressing about a lot of things. the past semester was pretty tough for me but Alhamdulillah, when i got back my grades, i was surprised that i did really well. in fact, i have never done better than this in my whole academic life. I thank God for everything that has happened. i realized that God has given me a lot of rezeki like my job, friends and education. everyday i pray that whatever happens, how many obstacles i may have, i hope that i overcome them. I know i often feel like dying in the process of things, but i guess it's just how i work.

i've learned that you shouldn't be too busy with things. i don't know, i just wouldn't want to be too busy. i'm not that kind of person actually. the only reason i wanted a job was so that i could travel (and you know where) without having to starve myself. and then when the midwest committee was being established, i felt that i had some sort of responsibility to be in it. never do that.

i'm not regretting being in the committee, i just wished i could have chosen to be inlvoved in these things at different times. the past semester everything happened all at once and i was pretty overwhelmed.

but thank God i have very supportive friends and family. i would not be able to do this without them.

and i feel very bad because sometimes i express my anger or nervousness to people who instead, should only be treated with pure love. at times i wonder whether anyone would ever stay with me, whether or not they see me as stupid and selfish once they know my true colors.

that's the thing...

it's time like these when i realize who my true friends are. who really love me.

most people see me as mature and self-composed (surprisingly). well, they haven't seen me during my worst times.

they haven't seen me when i'm insecure, when i'm crazy...

thank you, for putting up with me <3

From the Thrift Store...

2011-05-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

Vintage <3

My Arabic Class

2011-05-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm going to miss my friends from Arabic class.

even though i dont understand what my teacher is saying sometimes but i still enjoye it overall.

<3

Self Satisfaction

2011-05-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

No sickness worse than fancying thyself perfect
Can infect thy soul, O arrogant, misguided one!
Shed many tears of blood from eyes and heart,
That this self-satisfaction may be driven out.
The fate of Iblis lay in saying, "I am better than He,"
And this same weakness lurks in the souls of all creatures.

Jalaluddin Rumi.

as humans, we make mistakes. sometimes we don't realize the things we say or do. our actions may not match our good intentions.

therefore be careful.

With Subtitles!

2011-05-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

I dedicate this to my family and friends.

I made subtitles for you :)

Hope you get what we're talking about hehehehhe.

"The Chicken"

2011-05-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

this is a video that my friends and i had to do for our arabic class.

the grammar is all wrong, of course. acting while keeping a straight face for this video was super hard.

i have to say, this is the craziest skit we have ever done.

i love my friends. they are really crazy. just like me. hehehhee.

i think this semester we did 4 skits and this was the last one.

enjoy :)

Strangers, again

2011-04-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

i am sharing this video that my friend adeera has shared with me.

it's basically about the diffeent stages in a relationship.

when i watched it, i got scared. because it somehow felt so real, it felt so close to home.

what i can say is that if you really want a relationshop to work, you really need work hard to maintain the relationship. it's just like marriage. but at times it's more difficult because you don't have that official bond and repsonsibility to keep you together.

sometimes it costs money.

sometimes it makes you insane.

it takes a lot of patience. and faith. a lot of faith.

we need faith to see what will happen. we need faith to believe. not everything is black and white.

and at the same time, you need to keep one eye open.

let's just hope that all of our relationships don't end up that way.

My Graduating Seniors

2011-04-25T04:40:00.000-07:00

i dread this day.

the day that our seniors would be leaving us.

i really don't want this day to come.

i'm not trying to be corny or whatever, but before i came here, i didnt know that there were such nice people. i've never met anyone as nice as these people. they helped define what madison meant for us when we first got here. when we were clueless, stupid and lost, they helped us find out way. i didn't regret helping them out when they needed me, and most importantly, i didnt regret preparing for their graduation party yedterday night eventhough my life is swamped with work.

you guys are just so awesome and therefore i think you should be celebrated in a lavish manner.

so, this is what happened yesterday night.

you know how these past few days i have been complaining how stressful my life has been and how i miss home. but eventhough i have an arabic quiz at 950 this morning, my commitee members and i have been preparing a lot for this event. we've been dancing these past few days to get all the moves right.

oh yeah, did i mention that we actually danced to micheal jackson's 'thriller' and keisha's 'tik tok'?

yeah, i know right. can you seriously imagine me dancing?

the best part is, i had 2 big spiders coming out of my tudung and all of us were wearing 'bloody' stained shirts.

it started off with my two guyfriends watching a scary movie. then one of them went to bathroom, and then the song thriller came up. as the intro was being played, zombies (that's us) were walking through the crowds and congreated on the dance floor to strutt our stuff.

it started okay but in the middle we forgot the moves....the ending was okay, i think. i dont care how stupid i looked because i was just very happy that all of them enjoyed themselves. they told me they couldnt stp laughing and that really made every second of embarassment worth it :)

i really don't want them to leave. they really are the most fun people in madison.

my best times in madison have been spent with you.

all of you will truly be missed.

:'(

2011-04-19T05:42:00.000-07:00

i miss home.

and emir.

this is the time of the semester where i just don't give a damn about how i perform and i just want things to be over so i can have a calm life.

it's the end of april and it's still snowing.

i cant wait for summer...

The Effects of Stress

2011-04-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

don't you dare judge me.

"Le Grand Voyage"

2011-04-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

This movie, is seriously something which i recommend you to watch.

it's a moroccan film. it's about a relationship between a father and son.

his father wanted to go to mecca. and so he asked his son to drive him all the way from morocco to mecca. the son was pretty angry with his dad because he had had to miss a few weeks of school which would cause him to fail-- for the second time. and he obviously didn;t want that.

through out the trip, you could see the tension between the two. the kid didn't say much to his dad, as a sign that he was angry.

weeks pass...or maybe just days. during on stop, he asked his father this question.

"why didn;t you just take the plane like everyone else?"

the father basically said it's better to take the more difficult route when you want to perform the hajj because when you go through difficulty before you perform the hajj, there's a lot of things that you will learn. you will become a new person, basically.

as they proceeded with their journey, the boy gradually learned more from his father. but it bothered me that he was being a pretty hot blooded young kid, and the fact that he sometimes direspected his father. it also bothered me that the father just didnt slap him to teach him a lesson. but yeah, he was going for hajj...he was supposed to be patient.

my favorite line from the movie was when his dad explained to his son why he was performing hajj. he said, "we are guests in this world. nothing belongs to us."

i was like wow. deep.

that was very true. we have to live this life like a traveller. was it a verse in the Quran that was talking about this, or a hadeeth? sigh, i dont remember. but i know it was mentioned that we Muslims must realize that everything here is actually God's possesion and therefore we need to not take things for granted and live life as thought today is our last day.

i enjoyed watching this movie a lot.

we had to watch it in our arabic class, on friday (cultural day!). i wish in malaysia we had more films like this. instead of stupid love and ghost movies.

this movie really touched my heart. and it made me think. a lot.

2011-04-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

is overwhelmed :(

اللغة العربية (Arabic Language)

2011-04-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

this is my third semester taking arabic. insyaAllah, i will take third semester in fall 2011. i could even take fourth semester. but let's see, if i have the energy to take up until 4th semester.

eventhough arabic is not easy to learn, but no one can deny that arabic is a very beautiful language. i don't know how to explain it, but my classmates and i are very interested in arabic. eventhough we complain about the difficulty of it, we enjoy it at the same time. it's a love-hate relationship that we have.

i never went to religious school even when i was in primary school. so i had to study from the beginning. but at least i am familiar with many of the words because many malay words are taken from arabic.

arabic isn't just the language of the Quran. but it's the language of our nation too. yes, i mean malaysia. why do i say this? because most of our vocabs are taken from arabic. like SERIOUSLY! my teacher probably thinks i know arabic well whenever he asks what's the meaning of a word and then i just take a wing at it. i basically just try to guess the word, to see whether it may be the same malay word. and many times, i am right. but my grammar is all over the place hahahahahhahaa.

so anyways, based on the fact that most of our vocab consist of arabic words, it tells us something. it illustrates the history of our nation when arab traders came to malaya to trade. eventually, arab traders taught islam to leaders and eventually i guess that's how that explains where we get out vocabs from.

i know my illustration of our history right now should be given a C, but you get my point, right? (please pretty please say yessss!). now i understand why some scholars back in malaysia opposed when the government wanted to change the teaching of science and math in english. i don't think it's so much about malay autnomy (for me, at least) but it's about the history of our nation. langauge reflects a lot about history, culture etc. the malay language shows were we come from, and how the our country was formed.

i wish i had the time to learn malay under my grandfather, Allahyarham Asraf. people addressed him as Pak Asraf. he was known as a 'tokoh bahasa' back in his days and he knew the malay language well. he taught malay to one of the head of the arabic langaue here, dustin cowell. teachers in school didn't teach malay like how my grandfather did. too bad, i was too young when he was around and therefore couldn't really learn under him.

i know that many people would oppose what i mentioned previously but i don;t know...i am quite surprised at how patriotic and nationalistic i have been in america.

but yeah, you should definitely learn arabic. it's really important. do it if you have the chance.

the slow girl

2011-03-30T22:07:00.001-07:00

you really wanna know what kind of girl i am in class?

im the slow one.

the one that gives the wrong answers.

the one who cant really think.

the one who panics when the teacher asks her a question.

i'm a very slow learner.

i have faith God will help me in the end insyaAllah because i work hard, for the right reasons.

True Charity

2011-03-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

True charity remembers not only those in need who ask, but also those who are prevented by some reason for asking. The man of true charity seeks out the latter. There may be various reasons which prevent a man from asking for help: 1) he may be ashamed to ask, or his sense of honor may prevent him from asking. 2) he may be so engrossed in some great deal that he may not think of asking; 3) he may not even know that he is in need, esp when we think of wealth and possessions in a spiritual sense, as including spiritual gifts and talents; 4) he may not know that you possess the things that can supply his needs; and 5) he may be a dumb and helpless creature, whether a human being or a dumb animal, or any creature within your ken or power. Charity in the higher sense includes all help, from one better endowed to one less well endowed.

S 51

Translated by Abdullah Yusuf Ali

*********************************************
thank you for offering to help. though to you it may be small, to me, the difference is so great i don't know how to thank you :)

thank your for folding my clothes when i was busy.

thank you for offering to do my midwest work for me.

thank you for putting on minyak angin for me when i was sick hehehe.

geli la pulak mcm lesbo :p

let people know how nice you are, padan muka! hehe

********************************************

From Baha'i to Islam

2011-03-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

My sister kak asma fwd me a story of her friend, Adam Fong. you should read it. it's long, but trust me, it's worth while :)

**********************************************************************

Insyallah, here I’ll share my conversion story with you. I was born a Baha'i, and Baha’ism rotten roots lies in Iran, the centre point of Shia Islam.

While i was growing up as a Baha’i, we were taught that there's a prophet after Muhammad (saw) has come to reveal scriptures after the Quran, and that we as Baha’is are the chosen ones of God. How cliché? Chosen ones... There's no prophet after Muhammad (saw) and Allah doesn't make mistakes.

In any case, we were always taught from a Shia perspective towards Islam, that Islam had degraded and hence the down fall of the Ottoman Empire in Turkey. Since there's degradation of Islam, hence there need to be a new religion, which was Baha'ism, my ex-religion.
Not too much on its way ward religion, but that's my history. We believed in a man, who posses’s Godly powers and that accepting him is our salvation. Very similar to Christianity, however ironically, this man, whose name is Hussain Ali claims to be the second coming of Jesus Christ. That's totally false and absurd, hence its being a way ward religion. Little did I know about this when i was a Baha'i, going on my life on my life oblivious to Islam.

During my time as a Bahai, i never really took religion seriously. It was more of a part time thing, as i grew up, studied in college and got myself into business when I was in my teens. So “God” was always put a side, like a lucky coin, needing it "as and when" i like. Ao zubillah, Ya Allah forgive me.

In the midst of all this, my brother, now Farihin was about to get married to his girlfriend who is now my sister in law, from Kelantan. This was very saddening towards my mom and dad as their son is about to accept Islam. The Islam we've been learning, that it has degraded, and that we "bahais" are having a better religion. So my brother converting to Islam is going against my family's beliefs. However my mom and dad did eventually gave in as my Farihin was the eldest in the family. At the same time my brother was also of the opinion that he's acceptance to Islam is only surface level and his intention is just to get married with my sister in law.

My father advised him to be honest in his religion and be faithful to Islam and that if he converted, he must adhere to Islam 100%, and do not be a half pass six Muslim. This was the advice of my late father to my brother. My mother was still reluctant to accept my brother had converted.

Eventually my brother got married and they moved out of the house. However my brother start to realize that Islam is not just a ticket to get married, he studied further and start to realize that Islam is true religion from Allah, the Creator.

So he started to come by the house and talk to us about Islam, showing us videos of Dr.Zakir Naik, "Science in the Quran", "Miracles of the Quran", "Muhammad in the Holy Scriptures". I was reluctant at first but i started to watch and learn slow, with my mother. My dad at the time was not bothered about my brother talking about Islam to us.

I always had this issue with Islam and Muslims being terrorist and cold blooded murderers. However my brother started to share with me the other side of Islam that no one talks about, that is about the prophet Muhammad peace and blessing be upon him, and started to show me ahadith and how was our prophet really was as a man, a person whom we'd learn how to live our lives. Then he showed me how his companions (sahabas), lived along side our prophet, protecting him, loving him, and obeying him as a prophet from Allah. Allah say’s that Muhammad is the best of creation and is a mercy to all the worlds. So its must be that Allah has sent him as a guide to us, and we should look to him for reference.

Because in our previous religion, the bahais took most of its teaching from Islam, then I discovered that what was taught to us as bahais, was infact taken from Islam and its way of life. A total rip off I’d say. And I was deeply angered at this fact, because 23 years of my life was just gone without knowing this fact.
I started to learn and read books from Dr.Zakir Naik, Ahmad Deedat, Gary Millar (Omar, his Muslim name), and many scholars of comparative religion. However I was still skeptical about Islam because I was also in a relationship with my girlfriend, who is now my wife. So didn’t want to convert because it was cause a dent in my relationship with my girlfriend who's a Christian, a Sunday church going Christian and Catholic I might add.

Allah in His absolute mercy and compassion, showed me the way into accepting Islam no matter what. I was driving to fetch Melissa to catch a movie, and i got myself into an accident. I smashed the front of my car into the rear of a Renault. I wasn't hurt however, wallahi, when i slam the breaks of my Wira, and felt the front of the car hit the other car, and it was as though I woke up from a dream. I didn't realize what had happen and i was so awe struck at what just happened. I couldn't believe it, because I’ve never been a in a wreck such as that, maybe minor dents and knocks, but not to the extend that my car would be totally damaged. I was of the impression before i was a Muslim that what happens to me is due to my own actions and there's no one that can do anything about it, even God. Astaghfirallah.

Farihin helped me and manage to settle my insurance claims and drove me back home. In the journey back, while I was pondering and just starring at the window of his car, my brother just blurted out "Didn't it felt like a dream?" I was stunned because i didn't mention to anyone. Then he started to tell me, that it was ignorant to think that everything was under my control, and that it was Allah who protected me from a worse accident. And that I was an ungrateful human being, because Allah has given me everything I needed, a house, a car, a girlfriend, loving parents, a good paying job and a good physical body, with no defects. Alhamdulilah, I wish I had said that when he told me this. I was at the lowest of low, when he said that, because i always had my ego with me. Ego didn't do me any good.

I felt very bad the next day and had walked to his house, which was a couple of blocks away and told him, "Ko (brother), can you teach me how to be grateful to Allah?". He said come in and take a shower, we'll pray together. That’s when I started to pray to Allah and the first time I placed my forehead on the ground in humility is when i started to realize what was my position in this life and it just brought me to tears that I’ve been so lost without guidance. Because of you realize, only a slave would place his forehead on the ground in humiliation towards his master. I started to pray 5 times a day, in secrecy. At work, at home. I didn't want to voice out my beliefs, because I was still learning and studying about Islam.

Melissa was with me all the way from the time of the accident and until i started to pray, however she didn't know I was praying as a Muslim. I didn't want to tell her about my beliefs. I was scared that she would dump me because of Islam. I started to learn about Islam from English speaking scholars, from PeaceTv, from videos which i downloaded from Youtube, from books translated into English, and i started to learn how to read Quran. I read a lot about Islam, and I started to learn about Christianity and its similarities with Islam. Because I wanted Melissa also to know about this “gold” I just found.

One fine day I broke the news to Melissa that I was a Muslim, that I’ve accepted Islam as my way of life. She was devastated, because she didn't anticipate my accepting Islam. Because she was a Christian she knew about Islam only from the tv, the newspaper, the community, and how many families broke up due to Islam. She was scared. And her mother had a lot to do with her belief. And her mother was a person with little tolerance towards Islam and she had a bad misconception of Islam by looking at our community and its black sheeps.

I started to share with her about Islam, its beauty, its way of life, it’s always having Allah in the mind, and not only on Sundays. Shared with her many things in the bible that shows that Islam is not the religion of Arabs, it was the way of life since Adam alaihisalam. That they were only sent as prophets to give the message of Islam, which is to submit to Allah with sincerity and peace. That is to worship Allah without any partners. Worship Allah alone, not a stick, a stone, money, a man, or a concept. I told her that Jesus in the bible never said to his follower "I am God, worship me". I questioned her, however she wasn't able to answer as I think she was a very obedient Christian not learned, in a sense that the knowledge is left to the preachers and the fathers in the church.

I was still with Melissa even though i was already a Muslim. Many people had told me to leave her and find for someone else who is a Muslim and that really angered me. I told me self, that if I ever go fishing I would catch the most difficult fish, easy fishes are not my cup of tea. I was being metaphoric as to tell them that I'm trying to share Islam with Melissa and I’ll wait for her until she is ready to learn and accept Islam. I showed her videos like "Who wrote the bible" by Dr.Robert Bedfort. I showed her videos from Dr.Zakir Naik, "Crucifiction or Crucifixted", Ahmad Deedat's talk about Islam and Christianity, and Yusuf Estes story about his conversion to Islam. Brother Yusus is a Christian minister, converted to Islam and now has his own Da'wah channel called GuideUS TV.

After seeing all these videos and she started to realize that Islam was the truth, and that her parents hold no status in telling her that she cannot convert to Islam and to accept the truth. I showed her how to pray, I taught her Al-Fatiha, and other short surah, all with Allah permission. I see a change in her, and Alhamdulilah she converted to Islam. Her parents never knew about her conversion as she was staying outside her house for a year before we got married. Allah had given her an avenue of accepting Islam without any problems, because she wasn't staying at home. No resistance from her parents because it wasn't to their knowledge.

Her parents soon got to know when we wanted to get married and we've made arrangement for them to come for our wedding. It was her mother who was against our marriage, however her father was not bothered if she was a Muslim or not, for him it was a matter of telling him our plans earlier.

We've been married for 2 years now and Allah has given us a gift, a daughter, Sofia. After we got married we never seize to visit her parents every weekend, to show that even being Muslims, Allah has commanded us to be dutiful to our parents, and that we cannot even say a word "ouff" to them. So as Muslims we strive to show silaturrahim towards our non muslims parents the best we can.

Maybe if you like, you can ask for her story, I think she'd be more than willing to share this story with you, and how she accepted Islam.
I'm ever grateful to Allah that my family including my mother has accepted Islam. My father unfortunately passed away 2 years ago. That in a way, made the way for my mother to accept Islam, as my mother was married to my father, even though she had accepted Islam in her heart and she was already a practicing Muslim.

Allah's promise is the truth indeed, and we should never be afraid when Allah is by our side. When Allah is our Rab, and our sustainer, who other than Allah can provide for everything in this world? Indeed Allah alone is the Provisioner. Accepting Islam from a non Muslim background is definitely challenging. Because of obstacles in our path, such as our parents, friends, and love ones. Some times its difficult to please everyone. However, if we please our Creator, Allah, He will make our difficulty easy and manageable. I thank Allah that he showed me the way into a way of life, that is more reserved and more easily understandable. Yes, we there are things which we cannot do after accepting Islam, however these are the things that keep us reserved and check at all times.

Do ask me if you’ve any question, and I do hope that my story is worth the read . Assalamualaikum.

***************************************************************************

Makes you rethink about yourself right?

2011-03-20T11:18:00.001-07:00

i always screw things up

Going Back

2011-03-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

(illi, alyaa and lisia)

the nicest part about going for a vacation is that you get to get away from things, take a break, detach yourself from reality just for a little while.

the hardest part is accepting reality--accepting the fact that you need to go back home, to go back to your daily routines.

i just don't feel like i wanna go back to studying just yet.

(pancakes--made of bananas and kelapa)

i like walking around, watching tv and getting sleep for more than 8 hours. it's rezeki that i don't normally get on my daily basis in madison, WI.

but i guess i know that life needs to go on.

the people in Buffalo are just very warm.

(betty crocker's instant brownies--too die forrr!)

Yesterday, we hung out to celebrate Bobby's birthday. I met one of aiman's friend Aliff, before the celebration. my first impression of him was that he was so sweet and shy. but on that night, all of them cracked such funny jokes that i swear, i couldn't stop laughing! i was literally tired of laughing!! i guess you can't judge a book by its cover right?

by the way, i have been eating non stop since my first day of spring break. at first syaza stuffed me with her lasagna (okayla, im lying. im stuffing my own face with lasagna hahahahhahha). then, we had like a big arse lobster. then during my stay in buffalo, alyaa and illi have always been cooking for me.in my head i was thinking, 'oh no, i soooo need to hit the gym later on'.

(cake for bobby--at the backgroud you have cupcakes.....)

of course, there's another person who has been pampering me non-stop too...

at this moment, i totally fell reluctant to go back, to start school.

but i guess i should just take these experiences that i've been having as a way to rejuvenate myself to last through my busy semester! ahhahaha

really?

ok, let's try this one out.

My Week in Buffalo, NY

2011-03-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

this is my third day in buffalo, NY. and i have to say, i like it.

of course nothing can beat madison. but i guess im enjoying my stay here because of the company.

i have to admit, everything is almost within walking distance in madison. i guess that's what i like most.

but whatever it is, i decided to give this place a chance hahahaha. i visited niagara falls, the shopping places, the campus etc.

i've been staying at alyaa's house and i have to say she is so darn nice, i think she's like my mom or something. syaza was like this too but i guess i didn't expect this from alyaa because we didn;t know each other at all before i came here. and her roomate is so sweet and nice too. they were so nice i felt guilty staying here for more than just a couple of days. i decided that we had to cook for them at least for a few days, so that they didnt have to burden themselves tending to me. and i was also suprised at her hospitality because she's younger than me.

oh yeah, syaza and rassyid asked me to sleep in their room while they slept in the living room. thank God i only stayed for a night! i would have felt sooo guilty staying there for more than a night. unfortunately, they were going to start their classes soon so i wouldn't be able to stay too long anyways.

but i guess this is what malaysian hospitality is all about. similiar to syaza, they didn't let me help much in the kitchen. i felt uneasy because normally when i went back to kelantan, my mom would cook breakfast + lunch + dinner and we'd be the ones to help. that was what we did most of the time when we went back. so just sitting down on the couch while the host cooks makes me feel as though i was rude, hahaha.

i have arabic homework to do, and i should start to research on my papers. oh right, and of course, i have midwest work to catch up on. i guess i'll do that tomorrow. i'll be going back to madison on saturday morning. yes, i know, one whole week away from home. this is a break and i think i really deserve it. i know when the school reopens, i'll be busy and get stressed all over again.

i'm just enjoying my break so much i hope i feel energized to continue on with the semester with more enthusiasm and not feel like i don't wanna go to class (sigh).

My One Night Stay in Pittsburgh

2011-03-14T04:46:00.000-07:00

it's 746 am on a Monday morning. currently im in buffalo now, writing this post.

i decided that i should write all my memory down before i get too tired, before i forget. i think this vacay deserves one post for itself.

my flight to pittsburgh was okay. it was delayed only for a few minutes but i was still happy.

when i arrived in pittsburgh, it was a sunny day. pretty warm too. i felt stupid wearing boots and a coat.but then again i was happy that on the first day, we had good weather.

as i was waiting for syaza to pick me up at the bus stop, i was looking around, dragging my small luggage while notising that the enviornment in Pittsburgh. i have to admit (reluctantly) that it is a nice place. the buildings are intricately designed. it was a big city, but not too big like NY or anything. the downtown area had a lot of churches. then in my head i was thinking, are the people in pittsburgh relgiious or something?how come we don't have such big churches and cathedrals in Madison?

on the first night, we spent more time in syaza's house hanging out. she made really good lasagna and big succulent hot dogs. i'd have to stay, i think her lasagna was perfect. it wasnt dry nor bland. it was really good (and i'm not just saying this, i do really mean it). it had a good amount of everything.

later that night we played 'Kinect'. of course, as usual you can imagine i'm a crappy player when it comes to....wait...EVERYTHING. i looked really stupid and i was really stupid hahahahhahaa and they had a good time laughing at me. but it's okay, i'm used to being the center of entertainment (due tue my own stupidity that is). it felt like old days, where people weren't so afraid of me and where people enjoyed making fun of me all.the.time.

after playing kinect, all of us watched a scary movie entitled 'the orphanage'. it was a slow but good movie. everyone seemed to undertsand the ending except for me hahaha.biase la tu.

the next day, we walked around downtown. it was pretty cold and windy the next day but yeah, who cares. i enjoyed walking around, looking at the different architecture of things. syaza (and aiman too) enjoyed playfully putting down madison. i didnt mind because yeah, i guess physically madison doesnt have much to offer-- like we dont' have skyscrapers and well, nothing interesting to tourists.

but no matter what people would sat about madison being just a farm village or whatever, i still take a lot of pride in being a badger. its' the experience you get here, from the things you do, and the people you hang with. the excitement is in the subtleness of the place. whatever it is, i just love it here <3

back to the point.

later for lunch we went to joe's crabs. and guess what we ordered? jeng jeng jeng...

L-O-B-S-T-E-R!!!!!

and i had one whole bymyself muahahahhahahahhahaa.

it was $40 for 2 lobsters and shrimps and clams. and MasyaAllah, it was sooooo delicious. i was so happy i think i wanna write how i feel in Arabic hahahahhaa.

but yeah, the meat was sooo juicy and delicious. i didnt give a @$#$#$ about looking ladylike while cracking the lobster. all i wanted was the food hahahahhaha.

Alhamdulillah, i enjoyed my stay in Pittsburgh.

that was just the beginning of my spring break. wait until i write about my stay in Buffalo :)

Keeping Quiet

2011-03-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

my parents have always told me if i don't understand something,go straight to my teacher.

if something is unclear ask my teacher.

i've always been the type that seeks help from my teachers especially here since sometimes I feel like i can't catch up and because sometimes i don't have friends in my classes to explain to me the vague concepts.

especially this semester, i haven't missed a class because i'm afraid if i do miss, then i won't be able to catch up.sometimes i sooo hate reading the thick books, i'd rather go to class and listen to what the teacher has to say.

lately, i've been a little lost in one class. learning a different language isn't easy, let alone if the instruction in class is in the language itself.

unfortunately, i'm a slow learner but because of that, it drives me to work hard. if i don't understand something, i always ask my teacher.

since i've been having difficulty understanding the materials, i saw my teacher and honestly confessed my concerns to him. i was being completely honest with my problems and thank God, he understood (i think).

and so ever since then i've been asking Qs. but they weren't that many. but somehow i think i come across as annoying to my teacher. or maybe i offended him. i don't know.

yes, sometimes i do get stressed in class if i don't understand something. if i don't understand something, it kind of annoys me. i ask my friends and soemtimes they dont know. or sometimes i just ask them because i'm curious.

but now i guess i shouldn't. at least i should try not to.

i just feel like i bothered him.

i'm sad. i want to learn arabic and i really wanna do well that's why i'm concerned even though to my teacher it's small. but i don't think i'm the only one. other people have the same trouble too it's just that they ask their previous teachers but i can't do that because she's teaching something else. i definitely know i'm not the only one.

somehow now i feel like my concerns with arabic is just silly.

at least im trying. though it may not show because maybe i look spaced out in class, which sometimes i am. sometimes, it can get pretty intense. i'm also a little intimidated by my friends and if course my instructor too.

i think i'll just keep quiet now.

2011-03-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

3 midterms.

one tomorrow.

2 on tuesday. they're back to back, by the way.

but at least i'll get to go to pittsburgh then buffalo.

and before that i get to see lils.

so it's like a mini reunion, with dumb obstacle that i have to go through first.

but eventually it will be okay, right?

i just need to crack my brain open.

Graduate School...

2011-02-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

i'm sad.

why is that?

because i think im not doing so well in arabic as compared to last year (or any other subject for that matter).

just let me complain.

i wish i had more time to spend on it like last yr but it i just dont have that much time anymore. with work, MSA, Midwest Games and my other hardcore subject like POLI SCI 618 (political islam) i'm trying hard to balance all these things.

with a different teacher, things are different. im happy that he pushes us more and things are more challenging, and also the fact that i'm definitely speaking more arabic now than before but i don't know...i just feel a little lost at times.

maybe things will be better as time passes.

i so want to do my graduate studies here but with these grades of mine, honestly it seems almost impossible. 3.5 in this school is nothing :(

maybe after my degree, i'll just go home and do what everyone else is doing.

Getting Better

2011-02-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

i think i'm getting better at my job every day.

it was scary and intimidating at first, yes, but i think im getting the hang of it.

i learn mostly from my collegues and especially from my supervisors and i am very thankful that i have very nice awesome and helpful people around me at all times.

i probably wasnt very used to the things that i had to do, but as days pass by, i think i'm more familiar with what i neeed to do and i know how to handle certain situations better.

i guess all i can say is that even if you are afraid to try something new, you should try doing it anyway because anything new is scary but eventually you'll get used to it and hopefully getting out of your comfort zone teaches you to be a person who you neve thought you'd be.

Tears In My Eyes

2011-02-26T22:50:00.000-08:00

it was a friday evening and all i wanted to do was to go back home, take off my thick coat, and sleep.

it was after all, a very long day.

as i was about to cross the street, i noticed someone in a wheelchair who was trying to cross the road by himself. people around him walked hurriedly as they wanted to cross before the light turned red. some even just passed and looked at him, not offering him any help.

and there he was, in the middle of the road, trying to get to another point with his feet.

i was nervous as i saw form behind, thinking whether or not he would make it. so i rushed to him and asked, 'sir, do you need any help?'

he barely turned sideways and said, 'yes, please'.

when we got to the other side, i asked him where he wanted to go. he mumbled 'the Capitol'.

the Capitol is the place where senators and the assemblymen discuss politics in Madison, Wisconsin. it's just a few minutes from my house. with what has been going on in wisconsin, many people go up to the Capitol to protest...regardless of their physique.

and so i decided to push his wheel chair all the way to the Capitol. how could i not? this man was obviously physically disabled, and he must have had an accident around his mouth because it looked as though it had been burned.

so i pushed him, until he turned his wheel chair and said 'thank you. thank you.'

from the tone of his voice i could hear that he was really thankful that i had helped him, and i was happy that i could be of help to this old man.

when i left, tears streamed down my cheeks as i was thinking, this man may be physically disabled, but he has a spirit of a fighter-- to fight for what he wanted.

and we complain about our lives?

A Little Late

2011-02-14T09:14:00.000-08:00

(taken from google image)

ever since i was a little fat piggy with short legs, my dad would constantly remind me to read the Quran and the translation. no matter how young i was, he'd tell me to read it still, and read it again because you would see things differently when you read it many times.

i never went to religious school like everybody else but my parents have been teaching me the important things in my faith. and maybe because i don't have an official ustaz/ustazah to push me to memorize surahs and doas etc, i blame that on myself and not the fact that i was not sent to a religious school. however, i am very thankful that i have amazing parents that teach me all these things-- adab, aqeedah etc.

but now im trying to be a better person and read all the important things i should be reading a long time ago. i openly admit that there is so much that i do not know and therefore im a little shy around people who are more knowledgeable. at the same time, sometimes it gets a little overwhelming because there's just too much to take in.

so anyway, last week, in my History of Islam till the Ottoman Empire class, my teacher was showing us a video on the Quran. Before it started, he said that it's interesting because there are many arguments to what the video is trying to portray. I knew what was coming. and when he said that, my heart was beating faster.

and so the documentary of the Quran started about what Muslims believe about it, the history of it etc etc.

and of course, they just had to focus on the supposed 'contradictions' of the Quran. the video showed how one sentence of the Quran can be interpreted into such extremely different meanings such as issues on-- jihad, women etc.

i know that they are trying to be critical and that they need to see the many different sides of the debate. but i was unhappy on how they were trying to portray the Quran as though it was written by someone and the fact that it is supposed totally confusing. based on the music of the background, to me, it was as though they wanted people to see the Quran as a dangerous thing where people can missinterpret it so easily.

True, people can misinterpret it easily and do extreme things. but how many percent of the population of Muslims who actually do that? they did not emphasize enough on the fact that many barbaric acts such as the stoning of women are't due to Islam but cultural beliefs. they also failed to highlight the fact that the extremists lack of knowledge on Islam and some of them may even be completely ignorant.

Yes, they did show clippings of a number of modern and moderate Muslim people who gave a good argument about Islam and differentiating the religion itself and cultural beliefs but towards the end of the video, it left things hanging. i guess that was their intentions. but i wasnt happy.

feeling unhappy i went back home to search for an explanation. i wanted to see exactly why so many people say that Islam opresses women. im not trying to be a smartypants or whatever, but i just wanted to see how people can come up with that idea.

those who think that Islam opresses women because for instance, wives are allowed to be beaten by their husbands probably don't see the big picture. when i opened up surah Nisa', i read this one part closely where it states that a woman should not be beaten by her husband unless she does something totally morally wrong. and it clearly states that beating is the last resort. before that, there are certain things that the husband should do in order to ensure that his wife acts accordingly
to the moral codes of Islam. and even if he beats her, he should not inflict pain on her.

"men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because God has given the one more (strength) than the other. and because they support them from their means. therefore the righteous women are devoutly obidient, and guard in (the husband's) abscence what God would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly). but if they return to obidience, seek not againts them means (of annoyance): for God is most High Great (above you all)." 4:34

At the bottom of the same page, there was a description that states...

on the basis of these traditions, all the authorities stress that this "beating", if resorted at all, should be more or less symbolic-- "with a toothbrush, or such a thing" (Tabari, quoting the views of scholars of the earliest times), or even "with a folded handkerchief" (Razi); and some of the greatest Muslim scholars such as al-Shafi'i are of the opinion that it is just barely permissible, and should preferably be avoided' and they justify this opinion by the Prophet's personal feelings with regard to this problem. [from the 'Message of the Quran' by Muhammad Asad]

(Taken from my Quran with English translation done by Abdullah Yusuf Ali)

my point is, many choose to take things out of context. and interpret God's message according to their liking, then make an argument saying that Islam is unfair?

what is unfair is how ignorant or bad Muslims act whichever way they want.

don't generalize things.

if so then nothing in this world will make sense.

Carving My Own Path

2011-02-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

wow i'm 22 now. yes, i feel old. well, not really old. but the fact that the age 22 is at the stage where you can get married and have kids scare me a little bit.

at times i wonder whether i'll ever be ready for all that. like TOTALLY ready. yes, i have always envisioned a married life with kids but im not sure whether i have the mental and spiritual strength for that.

i'm still growing, still trying to broaden my horizons. the more i learn, the less i know (to me). as you grow up, there are so many things that you need to know, so many things i still have yet to understand. knowledge is constantly increasing as time passes so i feel that what i learn now will never be enough. never.

fine, maybe i think too much. but i guess at this part im pretty right. if you wanna get married and have kids you obviously need to have at least sufficient knowledge about life and your faith then if not, how will you lead your own kids?

i wish im the type of person that would say 'i'm ready' at all times. but no, im not. it takes me awhile to ge used to things, to gain confidence. but i guess i should be happy, proud of myself to be where i am today. i knwo i may not be the most intelligent, bravest person on earth. but i guess i have time to grow. a little bit more time. but i shouldn't get too comfortable either.

talking about comfort, i guess it's important that i don't feel comfortable. it's so that i work hard. feeling isolated sometimes i think drives me to do something better, to strive for something to prove to myself that i can achieve something. i've realized that there is a reason why i feel uncomfortable around people most of my life. when you're too comfortable, you tend to depend too much on others, you don't want to try new things and you wouldn't want to challenge yourself. i'm like that when i'm around my family members. but since i'm far away, i guess it's time for me to carve my own path.

<3

Forever Young

2011-02-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

i hope i grow up gracefully.

growing scares me a little because we have more responsibilities.

i feel so lost at times.

especially this year. with everything that i need to do, sometimes i feel like i have my head under water. like i cant breathe.

im taking political islam 618 and thats not easy. the lecturer expects us to be super critical but u know me, im so...blur. i didnt do well for the first assignment and that kinda worried me. when someone said that i just did 'ok' for a writing assignment , i feel like i just got a slap in the face. so yeah, i think i have to work harder this time.

on another note, for the midwest games im gonna be one of the photographers so currently im trying to be the photographer for MSA. and i try to take pics whenever i can. i hope to take good pics like aimana and my cousin chik from kelantan. they take really awesome pics. i'm trying to imitate what they do hehehe.

ok gtg study now!

Losing Will

2011-02-03T05:03:00.000-08:00

i apologize if my posts are very negative these past few days.

it has only been a few weeks and honestly, i cant wait for this semester to end.

we have the midwest games coming up here and it has been taking a lot of my time with countless meetings etc.

at times at class i think i'm not concentrating that well and that bothers me because i decided to take only 12 credits this semester because im afraid i cant handle the workload. but still, im studying harder than ever. well, at least u try to.

i have chinese new year coming up this weekend so im kind of excited for that because i'll be the photographer for that hehehee. during the midwest games i'll be one of the many photographers too i just hope i do a good job at it.

i dont have a dslr so i hope i could just use my normal camera, if that is even possible hahahaha.

ive been thinking a lot yet i dont write it well here. haihs.

The Bird

2011-01-28T12:04:00.000-08:00

the bird is in the dark, finding its way
and the master thinks it plays all day

the master is too eager and cannot wait
so he finds another animal to eat the bait

the master takes a knife and cuts off his birds wings
and takes away its song so it cant sing

the wind that blows is just too strong
the bird cant return to where it belongs

the master calls for it, waiting each day
the bird has gone, far away from bay

This Is How It Works?

2011-01-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

second week of work and so far things are great it's just that...

sometimes i feel like im doing a shitty job.

because...well, i don't know many things like tuition (because JPA pays for everything and i take that for granted) and neither do i know anything about like on campus housing. i was the one who didnt know anything abt the university, and now im the one who is supposed to assist people, help them find their way.

can i do that?

i really wanna help people. if you know me by now, you should already know that i take what i do seriously. i enjoy helping people and thts why i think i was meant for this job. it's just that sometimes i feel a little lost, because there isn't that much that i know.

but i guess it's a gradual prcoess. i'll learn eventually and hopefully become good at it.

you know what makes me nervous the most?

it's the fact that some parents are nervous about their own kids and if we can't answer their Qs they get annoyed with us. sometimes they don't know the Qs to ask and when we ask them nicely to clarify things, they get annoyed. because they are nervous. yeah, it happens.

but i guess i need to learn not to take things personally. and im thankful that there are awesome people around me to help.

i guess it's gonna take me some time.

i hope things will go well huhuhuh.

Upcoming Holidays

2011-01-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

wow it's only second week and i already want my spring break.

this semester is going to be a busy one, with heavier subjects and with midwest being held in the early summer.

it's a lot of work and i hope all goes well.

im trying hard to make sure i keep my readings in track. i have friends in most of my classes but i from next semester, i think most of my classmates will be graduating and i will be kind of said haihs.

i wont be going back to malaysia this summer. honestly, i dont know whether i can bear that. i will have to go somewhere for raya. if i can't go to anyone's place here in the US, then maybe i'll just buy my own ticket to go back home.

im sure this semester will be more stressful than the last one. i hope i can handle it. things can get a little scary here, honestly...

my birthday is coming up soon and i'm not looking forward to that. yeah, a little pessimistic this time, huh?

i want my spring break. although it's sad that i most probably won't be going anywhere, i think i need the freedom to just not do anything.

have a nice day.

Back In High School

2011-01-18T09:14:00.000-08:00

i feel like i'm in sekolah menengah all over again.

you know, i've always been the awkward one.

the one who needs to make initiative to make friends.

well, this is tougher. im in a different country, where people make friends a little differently.

i know i know. i'll take the good and leave the bad.

don't worry, i won't be going to late parties or whatever. i know how to take care of myself.

this whole thing just makes me a little nervous.

can someone like me really fit in?

we'll see.

my colleagues are very nice people but ya know, there's that thing that separates us...

i just hope that things go well and i find a few close friends. i have no pressure to totally fit in.

let the semester begin!

In Remembrance of Nyai- by Awang Sarian

2011-01-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

Nama Patimah Murad barangkali kurang dikenal dalam bidang penulisan dan penerbitan pada masa ini. Namun, pada tahun 1950-an dan 1960-an beliau merupakan salah seorang penulis dan wartawan wanita yang aktif, khususnya di Singapura. Beliau ialah isteri Allahyarham Pak Asraf (Hj. Mohd. Asraf bin Hj. Abdul Wahab), tokoh dan jurubicara ASAS 50, baik dalam bidang bahasa, terjemahan mahupun pemikiran tentang sastera.

Hajah Patimah dijemput oleh Allah pada hari Sabtu, 21 Ogos lalu, sesudah beberapa bulan uzur. Kali akhir saya menziarahinya di rumahnya di Subang Jaya ialah pada bulan Februari 2010, semasa cuti musim dingin. Ketika itu beliau baru keluar dari wad hospital.

Baru pada 20 Julai lalu, ketika bersua dengan Prof. Dr. Wan Mohd. Wan Daud, menantunya di UKM, saya mendapat khabar bahawa beliau telah mula pulih dan mula dapat menerima makanan. Saya bersyukur kerana pada saya beliau telah sekian lama menjadi ibu angkat saya, sejak tahun 1977 apabila saya mula bekerja dengan Allahyarham Pak Asraf di MacGraw-Hill FEP International, firma penerbitan di Petaling Jaya. Saya tinggal di rumah Pak Asraf di Kampung Tunku, Petaling Jaya selama kira-kira enam bulan sebelum pindah ke rumah sewa.

Meskipun menjadi suri rumah tangga sepenuh masa, bakat dan pengalaman yang dimiliknya dalam bidang penulisan dan penerbitan telah memungkinkannya dilantik sebagai editor sambilan sebuah penerbit yang menerbitkan majalah Juita pada sekitar tahun 1977 hingga 1980-an. Saya masih ingat, ada kalanya dari pejabat di McGraw-Hill FEP, Pak Asraf dan saya langsung mengiringi ibu menemui tokoh untuk diwawancara atau ke pejabatnya untuk menyelesaikan kerja-kerja editorial. Antara tokoh yang masih saya ingat kami kunjungi termasuklah Ustaz Ahmad Awang, bekas Yang Dipertua Persatuan Ulama' Malaysia dan Allahyarham Hussein Enas, tokoh ternama dalam bidang seni lukis, di Jalan Bellamy.

Untuk ruangan yang bercorak keagamaan, sesekali saya diminta oleh ibu menulis makalah panduan ibadah, khususnya ketika menjelang Ramadan dan bulan-bulan lain yang penting dalam konteks agama Islam.

Pergerakan Allahyarhamah cukup tangkas, baik dalam pekerjaan mahupun dalam urusan rumah tangga. Dapat dikatakan bahawa segala urusan rumah dilakukannya sendiri. Hanya sesudah usianya mula lanjut dan beliau mula uzur sedikit, baru beliau mengambil pembantu rumah.

Masakannya pun amat enak dan beliaulah yang bertungkus-lumus membeli barang mentah dan memasaknya, bukan sahaja untuk keperluan sehari-hari bahkan untuk menjamu tetamu. Allahyarham Pak Asraf memang terkenal dengan keramahan dan baik budinya dan agak sering mengadakan jamuan di rumah.

Walaupun saya kemudian bertukar kerja ke Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka dan beberapa buah universiti, termasuk di Brunei Darussalam, hubungan dengan Pak Asraf dan Ibu Patimah tetapi terjalin mesra. Kami saling berkunjung dan seringkali perbualan kami mengambil waktu yang cukup panjang. Pak Asraf memang terkenal dengan keseriusan dalam soal bahasa dan perjuangan bahasa sehingga percakapan melalui telefon mungkin sahaja memakan waktu satu jam atau lebih.

Masih terdengar-dengar oleh saya suara ibu sayup-sayup dalam telefon mengingatkan Pak Asraf bahawa waktu bercakap di telefon telah cukup panjang dan beliau faham bahawa saya memang keletihan bercakap lama melalui telefon. Itulah tanda kasih beliau sebagai ibu angkat saya yang cukup mengambil berat akan diri saya.

Sebagai ibu, banyak nasihat yang diberikannya kepada saya dalam melalui babak-babak kehidupan. Tanda keprihatinan beliau kepada 'anaknya' sehingga hal yang tampaknya kecil, seperti mengingatkan saya supaya bergunting rambut apabila rambut saya sudah kelihatan 'gondrong' walaupun memang kesukaan saya pada waktu itu menyimpan rambut yang agak panjang, menurut kecenderungan anak muda pada zaman itu.

Apabila anak-anaknya telah berdikari, ibu banyak menghabiskan waktu melancong ke beberapa banyak tempat di dunia, selain mengerjakan umrah beberapa kali. Keuzurannya kemudian mengurangkan pergerakannya di luar dan lebih banyak masa dihabiskan di rumah.

Kemesraan hubungan dengan 'ayah' berlalu apabila Pak Asraf pulang ke rahmatullah dalam bulan November 1999, tidak lama sesudah pulang dari Makkah kerana mengerjakan ibadah umrah. Kini saya kehilangan pula 'ibu' yang selama lebih 30 tahun memberikan makna tersendiri dalam episod kehidupan saya dan keluarga.

Saya tetap sentiasa mendoakan kedua-duanya agar ditempatkan Allah di sisi golongan yang dikasihi-Nya. Takziah kepada anakanda mereka: Prof. Madya Dr. Ratnawati (pensyarah di Pusat Pendidikan, UIAM), Puan Elita (eksekutif bank), Jayawirawan (karyawan di Penerbit Sasbadi) dan Puspayanti serta menantu-menantu mereka dan cucunda-cucunda mereka. Al-Fatihah.

Posted by Kembara Bahasa (Awang Sariyan) on his blog at 2:27 AM on 24 August, 2010.

On My Toes

2011-01-13T08:58:00.000-08:00

alhamdulillah, last semester has been a good one.

my life has been truly blessed. i am very thankful for every thing that God has given me.

last semester, it was the hardest one for me (so far). i got an F for one of my midterms, i was struggling to write a paper that i didn't believe in. ughhh i hated that. i hated the feeling of doing something that i didn't believe in. i remember crying while writing my paper because i didn't know how to CRAP my paper. seriously...

but i just continued doing it, praying that i pass hahaha.

by the end of the semester i did wayyy better than i had expected.

not only that, i got to travel a lot and i enjoyed it so much.

to top it all off, i'm now working as an information guide for my university. yes, i thought i had a slim chance of getting this job since i thought i didnt have the best skills.

i've been having training these past few days and let me tell you, it aint that easy. i gotta know stuff by hand, i gotta know a lot about the uni. it's ironic, really because i was the one who didnt know anything abt the uni, or how to apply. and now, im telling people information about the university.

funny.

let's just hope i progress well.

and i hope my life won't be too ironic-- like i hope i dont get married to a person that i hate ke ape God forbid!

this job is a little intimidating. there are only like 2 international students, the rest are seriously all americans.

i better learn quick!

When You Have No Shame

2010-12-18T21:41:00.000-08:00

today i saw a video of a muslim couple kissing by the road, somewhere in KL.

the girl was crying, she did something stupid to her bf. im guessing he wanted to leave.

she was crying, crying.

her hands around his neck, his arms around her waist. or wherever.

i'm guessing that she knew her crying wasn't going to do much persuasion.

so she kissed him.

and he kissed her.

regardless of the honks made by drivers who passed them by.

regardless of whether what people said.

and she kissed him again, as though to gain his trust.

as though that would be the only way to make him listen.

and they looked so intoxicated.

it made me sick to my stomach.

really.

(his friends took the video. i guess they just did it for fun, to capture the scene of them fighting but didnt know they were gonna end up kissing.)

i have lost my enthusiasm to study tonight.

2010-12-16T11:13:00.000-08:00

i promise to be more hardworking next semester :((

2010-12-14T20:11:00.001-08:00

i wish i could tie my bestfriend to my hand.

Power of Prayers

2010-12-11T20:35:00.000-08:00

This is really going to be a hectic week for me. On Monday, I have classes from 850am to 12am which I can't skip this time because it's close to finals. Then right after class, I'm gonna have to take my paper to the Writing Center to make sure my paper ain't a load of crap. After that, I need to meet with my TA because i think I'm screwed. Later in the evening, I need to study for my finals which I flunked (this is serious this time) which will be on Weds. OH yeah, on the same day I need to hand my paper on nuclear proliferation ugh!

When I was at NAdia's house, I prayed Isya'. And then I continued to pray hajat. I asked to make things easy for me, so that everything goes fine, iA.

When I came back, after a few minutes, I opened up a book, and it basically explained to me what I have been needing all this while. I totally think that's a sign. I just know it :))

Why I Prefer Not To Lead

2010-12-08T11:03:00.000-08:00

a few days ago, my friend has been stressed out due to so many reasons. his expressions have changed, his mood etc which eventually lead to the change of his once very nice personality.

and here we were, worried.

our hearts felt heavy as we saw our friend's face without any expression.

i asked whether he was okay. after a few seconds of persuasion, we were deep in conversation.

i advised my fried full heartedly. it's normal for people to feel as though they wanna give up and it's also normal for people to feel as though you've tired your best but still, everything seems to be falling apart.

and so i said....

'everything happens for a reason. what we want so badly, we may not get because it isn't good for us. we may see only the bad things in life, but people who are around us observe the good things that go around in your life. when you're in the circle, you often concentrate on the small things, and not at the bigger picture. yes, life is full of ups and down, but i suggest you don't concentrate on the small supposed 'failures' in your life and loook at the bigger picture...'

then i noticed that i can give good advice to my friends easily because the emotional attachment is not overpowering. and then i realized that i have been sometimes harsh at some people when these things happen to them because i'm so emotionally attached to them, i can't really bare all the bad things happening to them. what that person goes through affects me as well. the pain he feels hurts me too...

i remember my good friend said, 'sometimes you can't just think of yourself, but the team too...'

it took me a few days to wonder whether he was directed that statement towards me or not. but whatever it is, i really felt bad.

i tend to be emotional and not very objective at times. many women are.

haih.

i'm sorry

2010-12-06T20:21:00.000-08:00

my head is throbbing so hard, my heart is pacing like god knows what...why am i so stressed out?

ive had worse situations before, i can handle this kn?

i hate stress....

Nizami's 'Layla and Majnun'

2010-12-04T13:33:00.000-08:00

a few days ago, i've been trying to read nizami's layla and majnun for a paper that i had to write on 'Sufism'. most people would think that it is only a love story between two people. but in actuality, it is more than that.

the original writer is zia inayat khan. when you read this book, i think first of all you need to see the many layers of this story.

the messages that you get may differ. when i was reading it, i didn't quite like it but when i asked my dad what he saw, i liked his view better. but unfortunately, i couldn't use his view because i didn't have enough sources to support what i wanted to say haihs. i want to write more about this, but right now im just too tired and lazy hahahaha.

but i do wanna share something with you....

taken from the last few chapter of 'layla and majnun'...

'do not look at the sower casting seed, but remember what will grow from it. if today thorns block your way, tomorrow you will harvest dates, and the bud still closed and hidden holds the promise of a blossoming rose.

do not be sad! do not let your heart become heavy and do not think hat no one is your friend. am i no one? does it not help you that i am there and am yours- yours alone? believe me, it is wrong to complain of loneliness. remember God. he is the companion of those who have no other friend...'

basically, i think he's trying to tell us that we should not be too sad over things that has happened and instead, work harder because iA we will gain benefit from it. and more importantly, we should turn to God for guidance and need not worry because we'll always be protected and that God has all the good things planned for us.

'whatever befalls us has its meaning; though it is often hard to grasp. in the Book of Life, every passage has two sides. on the upper one, we inscribe our plans, dreams and hopes; the reverse is filled by providence, whose verdicts rarely match our desire.

who can decipher fate's handwriting? however, what at first we are unable to read, we then have to endure later on. our thoughts and wishes go out into future, but often we make mistakes and have to pay when our reckonings do not balance. thus we admire a rose and long to possess it; but a thorn wounds our outstretched hand; it bleeds when we withdraw it. we suffer from hunger and thirst and unfulfilled desire, and forget that satisfaction might be our peril and indigence our salvation.

often fate and man's desire are in conflict; it is better, therefore, to accept than to rebel. do not forget that what appears to be vinegar sometimes proves to be honey...'

nice how they construct their sentences, right?

you should read it.

Torn

2010-12-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

*this may be repetitive*

doing the right thing is hard. being a good person is hard. living the blessed life is challenging. being a good servant is for sho ain't easy!

i can't give advice. any adivice because i have none for myself.

i frequently ask God for guidance but if i'm not ready to see the Truth, then what's the point?

i'm paranoid, i know.

i think it's a sickness that i have.

some people may not like you to do what's right, even though it's a noble thing to do. but if they don't understand and support us, then where does that leave us?

sometimes i just feel like giving up. yes, this is one of the pissy posts of mine.

honestly, sometimes i can't see where my future is heading so that makes me a little... a little less enthusiastic about everything.

maybe this thing isn't for me.

indifference or in denial?

2010-12-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

okay so here goes.

i got an A for my first test for international law. for the second one, i got so remarkably low you cannot imagine what i got. the thing is, it wasn't hard. okayla it was 40 Qs, with 2.5 marks each. so if u byk tak sure then you're screwed.

which i guess applied to me.

i didn't faint when i got the grade but the drastic difference just shocked the soul out of my fat body. i was worried i couldn't pass.

then of course, i turned to noyan and she did the calculating for me. as of now, without counting my finals and my discussion marks, i pass.

but this seriously will pull my freakin grade down. i thought of doing masters but with my grades being in the dump, will that be unlikely?

i wonder whether smart people have ever received a bad grade. yes, i am thankful i'm not as bad as others, i just....i don't know where i went wrong.

i hope with work next semester i'll be able to handle everything, and pull my grades back up. im not the type who would cry over grades but this is just too disappointing.

my apologies

2010-11-29T06:22:00.001-08:00

sorry for the temporary shut down.

i thought of concentarting on my book.

tp tak berjaya haihs.

2010-11-18T20:19:00.000-08:00

i heard from a friend that Ridwan from INTI nilai has published his novel and sold them in various stores back home.

i wanna stop blogging and start writing.

i guess you won't be hearing from me.

anymore.

lol as if there are people who care.

2010-11-18T16:48:00.001-08:00

and so i've given up too

Babies

2010-11-17T17:37:00.000-08:00

no, my clock isn't ticking. not yet...

these past weeks i have been looking after my neighbour's child. so far, im alright with the kids. but the hardest part for me is when the small baby cries loudly that sometimes i gets me a little...anxious/ frustrated? but then i remember her mom telling me that it's normal for babies to cry and it's either they wanna sleep or eat. so every time i feel like 'oh, just pleaaase stop crying...' i think of her as my own daughter, mustering up the patience that i need to have if i were her mom. i know one day i will be (iA) so i can't let her cries get to me.

i think i get the hang of it now. i can put her to sleep in like 10 minutes. once she's asleep, i quietly lie her down on the floor, in between two huge pillows. but before that, i make dure i try to 'dodoikan' her in the corner of the room, where it's slighly dark. alhamdullillah, i don't feel like committing suicide...yet ahhahaa.

i know in reality being a mom isnt easy. children can be annoying, difficult, you name it, they are it! i just hope when the time comes, i'll be a good mom. i salute my mom for being a good mom, for putting us first and her priorities second. motherhood isn't easy. once you're a mother i don't think you ever have time for yourself. every second that you get once the baby sleeps makes you thankful for getting a teeny wheeny bit of free time to do what you can-- and in this case, i was able to read a few pages of my readings. the smallest noise can make the baby wake up and trust me, whatever causes the baby to wake up is gonna make you really pissed off..

and that's why being a mother is challenging..

every effort is used for something big and can be disrupted just like that.

oh i just hope i'll be a good mother, just like my mom.

Need a KitKat

2010-11-17T10:02:00.000-08:00

i think ive been working too hard. no?

i dont know but it feels as if ive been working really hard. it must be the occasional stress that i get. haih

i need my break soon.

seriously, i am tired.

Baked Chicken With Sour Cream

2010-11-15T17:01:00.000-08:00

hey mare, you caN do this too kekkekeke

ingredients:
1 cup of sour cream
1 can of mushroom soup
garam
bawang merah
bawang putih
paprika
thyme

the works:
brown chicken in oil. but before that, make sure u sapu garam, Bawang merah putih, paprika and thyme

while doing that, mix sour cream and mushroom soup.

pour the sour cream and soup onto chicken in a baking dish.

bake at 375 for about on hour until chicken and gravy is brown.

good luck :)

Islam in the Land of the Rising Sun - Hajj - Al Jazeera English

2010-11-13T19:51:00.000-08:00

Islam in the Land of the Rising Sun - Hajj - Al Jazeera English

i can do whatever i want

2010-11-11T17:47:00.000-08:00

when im bored i take pics of myself with my camera netbook. call me self centered, i dont really care.

it's time like this i feel so invisible.

i miss having a friend who would teman me go makan2 late at night.

i need to find one.

soon.

2010-11-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

forgive me for my soul is week
there are many things i must seek
so many questions linger in the mind
clueless am i on which path i need to find
sometimes my heart is powered by jealousy
causing me to be what i need not be
leave! Satan of desire
i want to be far from hell's fire
i pray to You to show me the way
so i could have my eternal day

11092010
sofiyawmn

Something to Ponder About

2010-11-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

“It is better to sit alone than in company with the bad; and it is better to sit with the good than alone. And it is better to speakwords to a speaker of knowledge than to remain silent; and silence isbetter than bad words.”

Prophet Muhammad.

Thanks zaim :)

Adab

2010-11-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

(sorry, i just thought this was funny ehhehehehehe)

you know, this world is pretty hard. it's full of....challenges. but with commitment, sincerity and with God's will i think everyone iA, can handle those challenges well.

i remember before i left for the US, my mom told me to know how to judge people well. my dad, reminded me so many things but yeah one thing he always reminds me is to always take care of my adab.

these two things may seem very simple but they are indeed very very important elements in our lives.

the more you interact with people of all kinds, the more you know that though a person may be intelligent, but without adab, no one will see the person in a good way. those who are intelligent, at least.

sometimes those who sweet talk and those who talk a lot may seem friendly and kind. but as time passes by, you'll see who they really are and then you'll be very disappointed. surprisingly, those who are quiet are the ones who are hardworking, and sincerely good people. diam-diam ubi berisi. these are the people who surprise you, really. these are the people that make your day better just by being helpful.

i remember one hadith (was it a hadith? someone correct me here please)that states, 'it is better for you to keep quiet rather than you talking things that are unnecessary.'

how true.

2010-11-04T22:34:00.000-07:00

friends who no longer want to care about your existence are just plain rude.

Am I Marrying the Right Person?

2010-11-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

Am I Marrying the Right Person?

Alhamdulillah

2010-11-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

(sorry la letak gmbr sorang2 bosan arr bile ade free time antara kelas hahahaha)

Alhamdulillah, Allah has given me almost everything that I've asked for. I'm very thankful for that.

He has given me an amazing family, an opportunity to get a good education overseas, a blessed life, and much more...

I just hope He grants me the most important wishes I ask.

An amazing future, a good and loving husband, kids, a good life in this life and the Hereafter.

sometimes i wonder, i'm not such a good person but i do get the things i want from Him. i just hope those things that He gives me are really the best for me and nothing else...

sometimes i look at my life and see how blessed i am and get scared and think what if Allah takes it away? what if one day he decided to give me like a huge test which i think i can't handle? what if i get really sick? what if i can't get babies? what if suddenly something really really devastating happens?

i hope not.

can i even say that?

these are just questions that are lingering in my mind.

**btw, next semester i shall be working as an information guide for my university. Awesome! the thing is, i thought i wouldn't get it because there were a few Qs that i didn't have the answers to (but i did try to find my way out of it) and there was once where i didnt totally aswer this question completely, but Alhamdulillah, apart from that, among the 150 cover letters, i was chosen to go for the interview and from 70 of those who were interviewed, i was chosen among the 25 people to become an information guide!**

my life is truly blessed, i am very thankful for that <3

Something New!

2010-11-02T05:56:00.000-07:00

i think i like to try new recipes (if i ever have the time, that is). kalau x my hsemates kene makan sup je kekekeke

when i went to the farmer's market a few weeks ago i saw that they sold leeks at a low price. then i asked nadiah how she cooked it she said her dad woul make that with beef stew. so last week, i bought leeks because i found out that they have a lot of antioxidants (trying healthy food here) and yeah, im pretty bored cooking the same veggies over and over again. i do wanna try to use the american products they have here like cheese etc.might as well seize the opportunity while i can kekekekkee.

so, as you can see i made soup with the leeks. it's called potato leek soup (dlm tuh ade whip cream sedap gile ok nnti i post the recipe).

then i decided to make daging masak merah. was pretty easy tp the frying of teh beef was something that im not used to. i dont usually fry stuff, because i hate waiting for it to be fried. i like to campak everything in a pot and tadaaaaaa da siap kekekekekke. im lazy man.

oh yeah im also trying to eat more sayur. i put salad + fruits + cottage cheese (MmmMMmmMMM) + cruotons = sedap n healthy! i even try to bring this to class...

ok gtg now got class and im hungry byeeeeee

Second Attempt

2010-10-30T13:37:00.001-07:00

This is done with <3

Red Lobster

2010-10-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

i had fun today.

i like Fridays.

i only have one class in the morning. after that, i;m free. i get to do what i want, i get to look for recipes, i get to cook, i get to clean my room and more importantly, i get to rest.

i made nasi lemak in the evening. but then we decided to keep it and eat it tomorrow instead.

because suddenly after i came back from walmart (which i drove btw, not fully la but okay) fawwaz decided to makan luar and we all decided to eat at 'Red Lobster'.

oh man oh mannn! i so want to eat a lobster! i totally need to eat it before i go back to Malaysia. WAJIBBB!!

so here are the pictures...

The Real Me

2010-10-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

thank you for accepting me for who i am

the good and bad

especially the bad

because i know i can be challenging at times.

A Healthy Lifestyle?

2010-10-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

(ketikaku bosan)

i try to be a healthy person.

i try to spend my money more on fruits and veggies than snacks and desserts.

i try to go to the gym at least once a week.

i try to do some sort of exercise at home.

i try not to drink soda/sugared water.

i try not to snack (i fail miserably).

(that's just salad with scrambled eggs. not too bad, i must say ekkekekeke)

i wonder how some people (esp americans) can just survive on salad for a meal... i mean the salad does look good. but i cant do that. i'm more of a meat person. i would trade anything to have lamb, beef, chicken, u name it!

but what ever it is, im trying to make different types of healthy dishes. i have no idea what dishes are healthy and less time-consuming.

hmmmm i really feel like buying feta cheese right now.'

i feel like having a big @#$@# burger hahahhaa.

(drool)

Going Well

2010-10-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

had my second interview for the tour guide. i think it went well. all of us did well. i think that's the problem. how on earth are they gonna choose? I didn't talk too long, maybe for about 5 minutes or maybe less because we had to cover 3 places during out mock tour. i think i was natural, i think i was myself. i made jokes, and they laughed. but yeah, i cant be too sure.... as for the interview for the info guide, it was less intense but nonetheless still difficult. it was like a speed dating thing, where we had individual conversations by multiple people. i think i kinda screwed up a few but yeah then again im not sure... i dont want to think too much. i did my best now i just need to berserah hehehe. im glad everything is over. now i need to really concentrate on my studies. im looking forward for my thanksgiving break <3 but before that, i need to make sure i have studied hard, did everything well.

i just got back from seeing ingrid michealson perform she was mashaAllah..brilliant! i was so close to her. i was sitting on a bench that i couldnt really sit on but what the hell! i was singing so loudly while swinging my short legs (that couldnt touch the ground) like a little kid. the best part of it was the fact that no one cared. i was enjoying myself a lot. and it seemed as though she was looking at me the whole time.... hahahah whatever. okay cool i need to go through arabic vocabs before i sleep. i have other stuff to do tomorrow. pray that i do well. Amin :)

A Little More Confidence

2010-10-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

i think more and more people will knowabout my personal life. i don't know whether that's a good thing. i don't know whether i should shut down this blog and start writing in a proper diary.

should i?

well, i don't know. honestly. but i do know for a fact that i need to write. it's one of the things that keeps me going.

so last week i attended my first interview here in madison. honestly, i think the interview for jpa was way easier. in this group interview, it was really about the survival of the fittest. it scared the crap out of me. everyone intimidated me. i was one of the few 'colored' people there. i didn't seem cool or funny, i was nervous and i stuttered. at times i didn't know what i was talking about. at times i felt that i made no sense. my heart was pounding so hard i think the panelist could hear it. i tried to look confident and always smiled, laughed, responded to other comments. but i don't know whether they bought it.

i tried my best to impress them; by being myself. but at times i don't know whether at timese like these whether i should really be myself.

i never reallyt understood what selling yourself really meant. i have felt that there was nothing impressive that they would want to hear for me. but i decided to give it a go.

im okay when it comes to talking but sometimes i just crap a lot. i think i did everything wrong on that day. i felt as though they looked at me so judgementally. i felt as though i was speaking a different language. i felt like an alien.

as i was one my way back (riding my bike), i couldn't help but feeling down. i felt like such a failure. i felt that i'd have no future and that i'd just resort to being a housewife (i don't mind really, if my hubby is a millionaire hahahahha). really, i did feel that way.

the second i opened the door, tears streamed down my cheeks regardless of the fact my housemates where there. yes, they've seen me cry many times. it's nothing surprising. it's just one way i release my stress. i like to let it all out.

but then to my surprise, during the weekend i received an email from them saying hthat i'm called for the second round of interview. this time, i'll have to do a mock tour.

maybe i am a drama queen. but i wasnt exagerating about what i felt previously. i never imagined myself going for interviews. i thought i'd be the one to just sleep and eat and go to class and yadd yadda yadda. but i guess when push comes to shove, you become a different person.

now i really need to nail my second interview. please pray that the panelist see the potential in this small tiny scared little girl. hahaha

2010-10-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

i'm putting myself out there.

it's scary. really scary.

a little girl like me in the big world.

the little girl who once knew nothing.

daym, situations really change you.

kan kan?

giving up

2010-10-10T09:53:00.000-07:00

i've learned that it takes a lot to motivate a person. you need to have faith and you need to persuade people to have faith. but sometimes when that person has already given up, deep down inside you wonder...whether your intentions, your encouragement even matter at all.

Living on A Prayer

2010-10-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

(this picture was taken with my netbook;s camera. was bored, waiting for the next class)

next few weeks, i'll be having an interview for this job that i want. that job fits me perfectly. i really really hope i get it. it's about time...

yeah for lunch today i had yesterday's ikan masak lemak + telur goreng + serunding + nasi + kicap. so much better than yesterday's lunch! hehehhehe

ok i gotta pee now. class starts in a few minutes.

pray that i get this job please oh please!

a few days ago i was praying to God for Him to give me this job. Alhamdulillah, at least I've been called for the interview. now i just gotta nail it but i'm not sure it's that easy. there's gonna be a group interview followed by an individual interview. JPA interview pn was just a group interview only....

need to smyg hajat soon!

True Colors

2010-10-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

"I see your true colors, that's why I love you..."

i know, i know. these past few weeks have not been very optimistic. im not trying to tell you guys that i no longer have optimism in my life. trust me, i have faith. i've been trying to hold on to my faith more than ever before.

this semester is a prticularly busy semester for me. i know other people are probably busier than me, but okayla. i am pretty busy hehehe.

being in MSA has seriously opened my eyes. i see the good and bad. and honestly, i really don't have the perfect words to pain the picture for you.

i enjoy doing my job but sometimes in the midsts of everything, you stop and wonder whether people really care.

well, i guess some do and some don't. but that's how life works right? it's impossible to make everyone happy.

being in the committee teaches me to look at the bigger picture, rather than focusing on small unnecessary details. i have to. WE have to. unless we can never survive.

i remember during elections, people were trying hard to prove themselves. trying hard to give the community promises.

when it was my turn for QnA, i remembered Ayfiq asked Rachel and I this very tricky question.

"what makes you better than the person next to you?"

it wasn't a surpising question.

i knew what my answer was going to be but i let rachel go first anyway.

" honestly, right now i can only prove to you by words how good i am. but to really see whether i'm better or whether i'm good at what i do needs a little time for you to see. you can only tell when the time comes and it depends on whether that person can handle a ceratin problem well," i confessed.

and yes, i meant every word of that.

a person's true color shows when you spend a lot of time with them. when you work with them, when you live with them, when you travel with them...

and sometimes the colors that you see are rather disappointing.

but i guess that's life, isn't it?

life teaches you, so that you'll learn...

talking about true colors, i'm just thankful to Allah for granting me a good family, friends, housemates and yeah...you know who.

they see me as the person i am.

they've witnessed my mood swings, my tears, my retardedness and still have the strength to put up with me. and i'm very greatful for that.

i guess it's important to remind ourselves that different people have different qualities. they handle issues differently.

that way you won't be so disappointed.

Efforts to Save A Little Bit of Money

2010-10-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

this saves me $5 a day.

bringing home made coffee saves me $1.70 a day.

you do the math, i'm no good at it.

God please oh please, answer ALL my prayers.

2010-09-22T18:50:00.001-07:00

this is when reality sinks in.

and i don't like it.

Entangled

2010-09-15T15:17:00.000-07:00

we're afraid to face Truth,
we'd rather waste our days of youth.

we've entangled ourselves in a web,
if we don't get out, we'll soon be dead.

one of us will be in pain,
to win this ending game.